Hoping to Adopt

God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

adopt transitive verb 1 : to take by choice into a relationship; especially : to take voluntarily (a child of other parents) as one's own child2 : to take up and practice or use [adopted a moderate tone]3 : to accept formally and put into effect [adopt a constitutional amendment]4 : to choose (a textbook) for required study in a course intransitive verb1 : to adopt a child [couples choosing to adopt]2 : to sponsor the care and maintenance of [adopt a highway] ~ Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary Who knew that the word adopt had so many meanings. I didn't, and I make a living on words. Why am I quoting the dictionary? Two reasons. First, November is National Adoption Awareness Month. Courtney wrote an informative post on the Adoptive… [more]

Let's get one thing straight: I hate horror movies. I had no intention of seeing Orphan. But when the adoption community came out in droves to boycott it, even getting Warner Brothers to change the film's trailer, it reminded me of church groups protesting The Last Temptation of Christ and Dogma. I decided I'd actually need to see the movie before commenting. I wasn't going to pay full price, so my husband added it to our Netflix queue. It arrived this week. This post is part movie review, part critique of how the movie portrays adoption. There are spoilers here, so don't read it if you really want to see the movie. (Though I don't really recommend the movie.) The movie uses every horror movie… [more]

If you don't know, we're giving away three copies of the book The Primal Wound in hopes that people will participate in a blog tour on the book during National Adoption Month. Our giveaway, while hosted on the birth parent blog, is inclusive of all members of the triad as is the book tour. I want to encourage families who are considering adopting or are somewhere in the waiting process to pick up this book (or enter the giveaway) and really read it. As a warning: it won't be an easy read. The premise of the book is that the process of removing the adoptee from one mother and placing the child with another family creates a, you guessed it… [more]

I'm not sure where I first read the adage, "Adoption isn't about finding children for parents. It's about finding parents for children." It was one concept in adoption that immediately made sense to me. To place the emphasis on the children involved - of course! But some people don't get it. They say that it's simply politically correct, or that agencies just use it as an excuse when you don't get chosen, even though you've already given them money and been waiting a long time. Adoption isn't about a prospective parent's need to be a parent. It's about fulfilling the needs of individual children. A child must be placed with the family that will best suit his or her needs. In private adoption… [more]

I came across a meme awhile ago and filed it away for when I had writer's block. Apparently, now is that time. Four things I thought about adoption when I was a child:

• I thought that parents went "baby shopping" at an orphanage or children's home.
• I thought that adoption was easier, less painful, and more controllable than pregnancy.
• I thought that parents could just "sign up" to adopt. I didn't realize that there was a process.
• I thought that adoption was awesome. (I still think that.)

• The baby shopping? Not so much. Adoption is about finding families for children, not finding children for families.
• Pregnancy and adoption are often compared, but I don't think they're really comparable.
• Adoption is a lifelong process.
• Although

If you're not already reading these blogs, you should be. There are so many adoption-related blogs on the Intertubes (as my husband, channeling Ted Stevens, calls them). A lot of them chronicle the individual adoption journeys of adoptive parents. I did one of those. I think it might be a requirement in some states. (That's a joke.) They can be nifty to read. However, there are some adoption-related blogs that are a lot more than those stories. They make me think. They make me challenge my preconceptions. I can truly say I've learned a lot from them. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the other blogs at AdoptionBlogs.com. I ask you to look at some of the blogs that you don't… [more]

We sometimes hear that potential adoptive couples have been scammed by mothers who were never planning on placing their babies for adoption. In fact, in many of those scams, the woman in question isn't even pregnant. These individuals are taking advantage of a flawed system that is in desperate need of reform. They give mothers who have chosen to relinquish without drama or pretense a very bad name. We've talked about how to avoid being scammed by such individuals. The sad news is that they're not the only ones out there looking to take advantage of you. In a recent story out of Long Island, attorney Kevin Cohen made up medical records for non-existent "birth mothers" to trick potential adoptive families… [more]

I've warned you about making promises that you can't keep to mothers considering placement. One promise does exist, however, that should be made. And kept. Even when the going gets tough and nothing is going as you expected it to and you want to sit down and say, "Why me?!" What is this ever-so-important promise? To always communicate openly and honestly. This should be a promise in every relationship you have in your life. It is especially important for adoptive parents involved in open adoptions. Why? Despite what some people believe or claim, the truth is that adoptive parents hold all of the power in the relationship once the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) is signed and the child rests in their… [more]

I like reading the forums and listening to the promises that potential adoptive families make to expectant mothers considering adoption. Why? They make me laugh. I'm not being cruel. I'm being realistic. While all of the promises are well-intentioned, they're rarely based in reality. What are some of these promises?

• The mom (or dad) promising to always be a stay-at-home-mom (or dad).
• Promising to always stay married.
• Saying that you'll never have financial problems.
• Promising never to move, especially in a case where an expectant mom wants a local family.