9. It’s a lot harder to close an adoption than to open one.

Yes, this is true. However, if you start out with a closed adoption, opening it up later might not be an option. If you decide later that you want to open up the adoption and the birthmother has moved away without leaving a forwarding address, that option might no longer be available.

You don’t have to commit to a fully open adoption right away, and you don’t have to commit to one until after you have met the birthmother.... more

8. Open adoption can get complicated.

Yes, sometimes open adoption can get complicated, but being complicated does not mean that it is not worth the effort. Think about other things in your life that are complicated. Mortgages are complicated, but I really enjoy living in my own house. Computers are so complicated that I cannot even tell you what all of the acronyms mean (RAM, ROM, GB, etc.), and yet I am lost if my computer crashes. Marriage can be complicated, but I did not choose... more

7. My family thinks I am crazy to even consider it.

As a parent, you will be making decisions that your extended family is not going to like. YOU are the parent. It is your JOB to make decisions that are in the best interest of your child.

My child attends a Montessori school. He is a kinesthetic learner, which means that he learns best by using his entire body. He does not learn well if you tell him something. He sometimes picks things up by seeing them, but for something to really... more

6. I shouldn’t have to “prove” that I am a good parent to anyone.

When I started the adoption process, I was miffed by having to “prove” my worth as a parent. I knew many people with less education, financial security, etc., who were able to “make” as many babies as they wanted. It felt unfair that they could fill their houses with children without having to answer to anyone. Meanwhile, my husband and I had everything a family could possibly need to start a family,... more

5. I am adopting the child, not the whole birthfamily.

I have news for you – When you adopt a child, the birthfamily becomes a part of your extended family. No, you are not “adopting” them, but they are part of the package. They are important to your child, which makes them important to you. When your child is grown, if he chooses to connect with his birthfamily, then they will be in your life, too. Rather than resist this reality, embrace it. It is okay for your child to have more... more

4. Open adoption is not “normal.”

There is nothing “abnormal” about open adoption. It is a relatively new innovation, but that does not make it “abnormal.” One of my frustrations in many areas of my life is having to do things a certain way just because “that’s the way we have always done it.” To me, just because something is the status quo does not make it the best way to do it.

Closed adoptions were the status quo for a very long time, but that does not make them the best... more

3. I am afraid of what the birthmother might do in the future.

We can thank Hollywood for this fear. If you believe the made-for-TV movies, birthmothers spend years biding their time until they have the resources to come and “take back” their birthchildren. While this plot might make for entertaining drama, it is simply not reality.

The reality is that most birthmothers do not try to “take back” their birthchildren. Most birthmothers just want to know that the child is safe,... more

In response to my blog yesterday about reasons that adoptive parents resist adoption, a reader posted the following comment:

The fear of being pushed into the role of a co-parent, or of a babysitter is not about insecurity. Having the birthparents hovering about is very similar to the predicament that step-parents face. A non custodial parent that knows their position is, or ought... more

2. I don’t want to feel like the babysitter. I want to be the parent.

Whether or not the adoption is open, the adoptive parents ARE the parents. They are the ones who are legally responsible for every aspect of raising the child. They are the ones who do the day-to-day parenting. They are the ones with the parent-child relationship. None of this changes whether the adoption is open or closed.

That being said, if you are an adoptive parent, your reality is that your child has birthparents.... more

I confess that, as a hopeful adoptive mother, I was intimidated by the thought of having any openness at all in our adoption. I have since come to appreciate the value of openness in adoption. What changed my mind was educating myself about open adoption. This is why I want to spend some time on this topic.

Why do some hopeful adoptive parents fear open adoption in the first place? Here are some of the reasons that I have heard: