You cannot go through life without making decisions that others will not agree with. It is not possible to please all of the people all of the time. For some decisions, the fallout might not matter that much. When it comes to adopting, the way you handle the situation is CRUCIAL to the well-being of your child. If you want your child to be okay with his adoption, then you need to model that you are okay with it and that you will not tolerate others NOT being okay with it in your child’s presence.

You... more

One issue that some hopeful adoptive parents run into is a lack of support for their decision to adopt. This lack of support can come from their family, their friends, their coworkers, or anyone else who is important in the couple’s life. Some couples can see this lack of support coming, while others are blindsided by the things that their loved ones say to them about adoption. This lack of support can be very distressing to a couple who is just starting the adoption process. It can be even... more

When we were going through our home study, the social worker told us that adoption involves grief for all members of the adoption triad. I did not want to hear this, and I did not believe it. I could understand how the birthmother could grieve the loss of her birthchild, but I could not understand how I or the child could possibly experience grief. We would have each other, and there would be nothing to grieve. I now realize just how wrong I was.

The birthmother’s grief is obvious. Her baby... more

I hope that you have enjoyed this series on surviving the wait. As I said when I introduced the series, waiting for my child was the most difficult part of becoming a parent for me. I would rather do 10 home studies than have to sit by the phone doing nothing but waiting for 17 months. Waiting was excruciating for me, which is why I have devoted so much time to discussing this topic.

Please let me know if there is another aspect of waiting that you would like to read about in a future blog. We will... more

Baby showers are tough when you desperately want to become a parent. Here are two more tips for surviving baby showers while you are waiting to adopt your child.

3. Don’t host baby showers.

Hosting a baby shower is a really bad idea because it keeps babies on your mind for weeks on end. You have to think about babies when you address the invitations, purchase the paper products, choose the cake, and do the many other tasks that are necessary to plan a baby shower. I know all too well:... more

Unlike the holidays, which you can see coming on the calendar and plan for, baby showers are the bombs that can go off in your life at any time. It seemed like I was constantly being invited to baby showers throughout my own waiting period. I thought it would get easier after I completed the home study, but it never did.

Every time I went to a baby shower, I faced the following issues:

I still wasn’t a mother. I would never experience being pregnant. I wondered if... more

Birthdays were always difficult for me while I was waiting to become a parent. Each year, my birthday wish was to hold my baby in my arms on my next birthday. For several years, that birthday wish was not granted. Each birthday felt like it was mocking me as another year of my life came and went with no baby in sight. My 30th birthday was especially hard. I never imagined that my family would start that late in my life.

Anniversaries were tough, too. We had a five-year plan, which meant that... more

Christmas isn’t the only holiday that can rock you while you are waiting to adopt your child. Other holidays can also knock you for a loop. A big one for me was always Halloween. I would see these adorable little children toddle up to my front door and say “tick-a-tee” for “trick or treat,” and my eyes would well up with tears. I so desperately longed to celebrate Halloween with my own child. Other holidays can trigger your grief as well, such as Valentine’s Day, Easter, and Thanksgiving, depending upon your... more

Now that we have worked through the Top Ten List of ways to survive the wait, let’s focus on other areas of the waiting period that can be a struggle.

For those of us who desperately want to become parents, there are three time bombs built into our calendars. Those time bombs are called Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day. While the rest of the world is celebrating the joy of family, waiting parents are reminded in flashing neon that they are, once again, being left out in the cold.... more

For me, one of the most frustrating parts of waiting to adopt was not being able to make plans. I have always been a very “scheduled” person. I plan everything out in advance. One of my friends says I am like “Rabbit” from “Winnie the Pooh” – I live and die by my schedule. For 17 months, I was in “wait mode,” so I was afraid to make plans. Should we go out of town for Christmas? What if the baby comes? Should I buy tickets to next month’s concert? What if I have a baby and cannot go?

I even let the... more