Over on the Adoptive Parenting blog, a reader posted the following question:

When it comes to adopting children that have been abused how do you separate the fact from the fiction? How does a person distinguish real risks from Lifetime movies and urban legends everyone spouts about older child adoption? How does a person prepare themselves for this step with realistic expectations without... total fear and ignorance? – Chromesthesia from Abused Adopted... more

If you are hoping to adopt a child who has been abused, you have an adventure ahead of you. You are choosing to adopt a broken child and provide him with the love and kindness that he needs to melt the ice inside and heal from his emotional wounds. Many children will blossom in the warmth of your love; some will not.

If the child chooses not to heal, don’t blame yourself. This is in response to the harm that was inflicted upon him by evil people. Some children are simply not brave enough to risk... more

When a child has lived in a dysfunctional environment, he has adapted to that environment. Living in a healthy family is VERY different. While a functional family is (obviously) better, it is still the “unknown,” and it is scary. The child needs your help to acclimate to his new environment. You can help him by stating your expectations very clearly and by staying patient as he adjusts to a healthy environment.

Abused children have so much that they have to relearn (or learn for the first time). They might... more

A big issue for an abused child is the inability to feel safe. When you have been awakened hundreds of times in the middle of the night to be harmed, it is hard to feel safe sleeping at night, even when you are now living in a safe place. The child’s brain has been conditioned to be “on alert” at night to listen for the door opening, signaling the next abusive experience. It takes a very long time for an abused child to let down his guard.

An abused child is going to test you over and over again... more

A very important thing to know before adopting an abused child is that eye contact is a particularly powerful way of connecting with a child. There is a reason that the eyes are considered the “window to the soul.” Making eye contact reaches into a deep place that many abuse survivors are afraid to go.

Many abuse survivors make great eye contact when they are talking about unimportant things. However, if the conversation turns to anything that could reveal their true feelings or reveal something about themselves, they... more

One of the most frustrating aspects of adopting an abused child is when the child does not attach to you. I know some adoptive parents who have showered a child with love, but the child refused to receive that love. The parents are baffled why the child continues to reject them, even though they have only shown the child love and kindness. This post is to help you understand the mind of the abused child in this situation. This post also serves as a warning that this could happen to you and as reassurance that, if... more

From Top Ten List: Adopting an Abused Child...

10. Puberty can trigger very painful emotions for an abused child.

If you adopt a child who was abused, be prepared for puberty to dredge up painful emotions. I don’t know why this happens. Perhaps it ties into the hormones that the body has surging through it. For sexual abuse survivors, perhaps puberty drives home the... more

From Top Ten List: Adopting an Abused Child...

9. Abuse experienced by a pre-verbal child affects the child.

I am always baffled to hear how some people believe that things that happen to a very young child do not affect him. All you have to do is look at a child with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) to know that this is not true. A child develops RAD when he fails to attach... more

From Top Ten List: Adopting an Abused Child...

8. Repressed memories are not the same thing as “forgotten” experiences.

Many people are perplexed by repressed memories. There was so much hoopla in the 1980’s when everyone and his brother was recovering repressed memories, and then the 1990’s brought a distrust of repressed memories, blaming unethical therapists for... more

From Top Ten List: Adopting an Abused Child...

7. You can help soothe an abused child through flashbacks.

When an abuse survivor experiences a flashback, he is living in a dual reality. A part of his brain is aware that he is in his bed safe in his room. The other part of his brain is reliving the trauma and all of the associated fear and pain. If your child will... more