“To Parent” versus “To Keep”

Some women consider placing their babies for adoption but then choose to parent after the baby is born. A mother-child bond is a very powerful one. It is understandable that when a woman holds her baby in her arms, she might realize that parenting her baby is the best, or even only, option for her. It is one thing to talk about placing a baby for adoption in theory; it is quite another to hold your baby in your arms and then place him into another... more

“Born to Unmarried Parents” versus “Illegitimate”

The term “illegitimate” means that something is not legitimate or is irregular. That’s a terrible label to slap onto a child. The child had no say in the way he was conceived, and he does not deserve to carry around a judgment that he is “irregular” just because he was born to unmarried parents. His life is of no less value just because his parents were not married to each other when he was born.

The phrase “born to unmarried parents”... more

“Own child” is a negative phrase that should not be used by either the birth parents or the adoptive parents when talking about the child. Children are not property. Nobody “owns” them. Children are welcome members of a family, not puppies purchased at the local pet store or sweaters bought at the mall.

Some people believe that the child is the birthmother’s “own” child because she gave the child life. Other people believe that the child is the adoptive parents’ “own” child because they are the legal... more

Positive adoption language is such an important concept that I want to devote several posts to the subject. Unfortunately, most of the adoption language that is used in society at large is anything but positive. Phrases like “real child” or “gave up her baby” might seem innocent enough, but if you are a member of the adoption triad, you learn how painful those words can be. Whether you are hoping to adopt or know someone who is a member of the adoption triad, NOW is the time to learn positive adoption language.

Instead... more

I was clicking around on the adoption.org website and I came across an essay called "Why we don't adopt highways," by Chris Peters.

Of course I wanted to read it. I've never gotten why the adoption community had such a beef with "adopt a whatever" programs. I wanted someone to explain to me why it is such a big deal - something worth writing letters about when there are so many other things in the world more worth writing letters about.

Peters... more

As a writer, I see the power in words. Before we adopted our son I knew that certain words had power - both positive and negative - in the adoption community, even though I didn't really "get" how some words could be offensive. They were just words, after all.

Sticks and stones can't break my bones but words will never hurt me, right?

Now that I'm part of that community I understand much better how words can be painful, or disrespectful, or diminishing to a relationship. A relationship that for some families was fought so hard for, and was so hard-won.

For... more