“Was Adopted” versus “Is Adopted”

This distinction is one of my soapbox issues. Most people do not understand why it would possibly matter if they said that my son “is” adopted versus “was” adopted, but it makes a HUGE difference to me.

My son WAS adopted. This is how he joined our family. Some children were birthed into a family. Some arrived through C-section. My child joined our family through adoption. If my friend’s child is not known as her C-section kid, then I don’t... more

“Child With Special Needs” versus “Handicapped Child”

The word “handicapped” means disabled or a burden. Just because a child has a special need does not mean that he is a “burden” to his family or to society in general. Also, people often associate the term “handicapped” with a physical disability.

“Special needs” is an umbrella term that encompasses a wide range of possible issues that a child might face. For example, a child who was traumatized might suffer from... more

“Court Termination” versus “Child Taken Away”

Parental rights can be terminated for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are voluntarily terminated, such as when the birthparents make an adoption plan and sign relinquishment papers. Other times, parental rights are involuntarily terminated by a judge through the court system.

There are many reasons why a court might terminate parental rights. An obvious reason for terminating parental rights is if the birthparents have neglected or abused... more

“Child Placed for Adoption” versus “An Unwanted Child”

Let me assure you – children who are placed for adoption are WANTED! Whether the child is a newborn baby born domestically, a toddler in another country, or a teenager in the foster care system, the adoptive parents WANTED their child. Adoptive parents jump through a lot of hoops to be approved to adopt. No sane person would choose to go through the adoption process unless she really WANTED to adopt a child.

A child placed for adoption should... more

“Adoption Triad” versus “Adoption Triangle”

A triad is “a group of three, [especially] of three closely related persons or things” (from dictionary.com). The birthparents, the adoptive parents, and the child are a group of three closely related persons, so the term “adoption triad” accurately describes the relationship of those involved in the adoption process.

A triangle is used in “a situation involving three persons, [especially] one in which two of them are in love with the... more

“Parent” versus “Adoptive Parent”

Unless the term “adoptive parent” is necessary for clarification (such as when you are talking about members of the adoption triad), “parent” is the appropriate title to use for an adoptive parent. I am my son’s mother. I should not be introduced to his friends as his “adoptive mother.” The fact that I became his mother through adoption is irrelevant in the context of his day-to-day life.

The media is notorious for qualifying relationships as adoptive... more

“To Parent” versus “To Keep”

Some women consider placing their babies for adoption but then choose to parent after the baby is born. A mother-child bond is a very powerful one. It is understandable that when a woman holds her baby in her arms, she might realize that parenting her baby is the best, or even only, option for her. It is one thing to talk about placing a baby for adoption in theory; it is quite another to hold your baby in your arms and then place him into another... more

“Born to Unmarried Parents” versus “Illegitimate”

The term “illegitimate” means that something is not legitimate or is irregular. That’s a terrible label to slap onto a child. The child had no say in the way he was conceived, and he does not deserve to carry around a judgment that he is “irregular” just because he was born to unmarried parents. His life is of no less value just because his parents were not married to each other when he was born.

The phrase “born to unmarried parents”... more

“Own child” is a negative phrase that should not be used by either the birth parents or the adoptive parents when talking about the child. Children are not property. Nobody “owns” them. Children are welcome members of a family, not puppies purchased at the local pet store or sweaters bought at the mall.

Some people believe that the child is the birthmother’s “own” child because she gave the child life. Other people believe that the child is the adoptive parents’ “own” child because they are the legal... more

Positive adoption language is such an important concept that I want to devote several posts to the subject. Unfortunately, most of the adoption language that is used in society at large is anything but positive. Phrases like “real child” or “gave up her baby” might seem innocent enough, but if you are a member of the adoption triad, you learn how painful those words can be. Whether you are hoping to adopt or know someone who is a member of the adoption triad, NOW is the time to learn positive adoption language.

Instead... more