Baby showers are tough when you desperately want to become a parent. Here are two more tips for surviving baby showers while you are waiting to adopt your child.

3. Don’t host baby showers.

Hosting a baby shower is a really bad idea because it keeps babies on your mind for weeks on end. You have to think about babies when you address the invitations, purchase the paper products, choose the cake, and do the many other tasks that are necessary to plan a baby shower. I know all too well: I threw two baby showers during my own waiting time – one for my sister and one for my best friend. It was really, really tough.

In her book Infertility: A Survival Guide for Couples and Those Who Love Them, Cindy Lewis Dake says:

Don’t host a shower for a while. This can emotionally sabotage you for weeks. We wouldn’t expect a new widow to sing at a wedding, would we? Likewise, set the limits of what you can reasonably expect of yourself.

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I fully agree. I really like the widow analogy. It is okay for you to bow out of hosting baby showers during this time in your life.

4. Develop a coping strategy if you must attend.

There are some baby showers that you will feel compelled to attend even though it is painful. Before you go, put together a strategy for getting through the event.

Try to focus on your friend (the mother-to-be) as much as you can rather than focusing on the baby. Try to think about the changes that are coming in her life regarding her job, her marriage, and her new role as a mother. Think about how much you care about your friend. That is, after all, why you are putting yourself through this torture in the first place.

Arrive late and leave early. Schedule a “conflict” so that you cannot stay the entire time. It is easier to get through 30 minutes than 2 hours.

Set aside time after the shower to cry, and try to hold back your tears until that time. Sometimes knowing that you will have an outlet for your tears can help you to hold them back in the short-term. I used to watch a sad movie afterward so that I could let the tears flow freely, and the movie offered me a welcome distraction from my own pain.

If the tears bubble up during the baby shower, excuse yourself to the bathroom and allow yourself to cry for a few minutes. Try to pull yourself together before you return to the shower. You want the focus to stay on the mother-to-be, not on your pain. Also, if a good friend will be attending the shower, plan in advance for that friend to meet you in the bathroom if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Getting through baby showers is really tough during the waiting time, but you can do it. I used to tell myself that the friendship would last much longer than this painful period in my life. I was investing in that friendship by celebrating with my friends. As painful as it was, I am grateful that I made the effort for those I cared about most deeply.