Last night, on my post entitled Abuse Survivors: Therapy during Adoption Home Study, “Kept Confidential” left a long and heartfelt comment about this topic. This post is to address many of the issues she raises about her frustration with abuse survivors having to discuss their histories as part of the adoption home study.

Let me start by saying that I agree with many (but not all) of her points. Here are the issues she raises that I agree with:

1. Nobody should profit from child abuse or the survivors.

I definitely agree with this. I am active on a message board for abuse survivors, and it operates on a shoestring budget. The services are free for all members.

My therapist works on a sliding scale basis, and his highest rate is much less than the “couple hundred dollars” that Kept Confidential was quoted. Nobody is denied therapy by my therapist based upon income. This is one factor to consider when looking for a therapist. My therapist is in the business to help people, not to get rich. However, as Kept Confidential pointed out, many others have different motives.

2. Abusers should be billed for the cost of therapy.

I would love to see laws put in place that enable abuse survivors to bill their abusers for the cost of therapy. The aftereffects take their toll financially, and the person who caused the damage should be responsible for that cost.

3. Tools for setting boundaries, handling stress, and processing emotions should be made available to everyone.

Absolutely! The problem is that so many people in society do not have these tools themselves, so they do not know how to teach them to others. Therapists do not have exclusive rights for this, but they are trained how to teach these skills to others.

Non-therapists can teach these skills as well once they know how to use them. I have become quite good at all of these skills, and yet I am not a therapist. Ideally, these are skills that parents should teach their children, but I agree that teaching these skills in the schools would be a good idea.

4. Other abuse survivors are best qualified to help others in a communal, reciprocal manner.

I have found that fellow survivors are best able to explain to me what I am experiencing and how to move forward. This is because they have already traveled this path and know the way out. This did not replace therapy for me, but it definitely helped the healing process along and gave me a wonderful support system after I ended therapy.

Therapists

Where I respectfully disagree with Kept Confidential is on her opinion about therapists. I, too, have been burned by a professional, and that experience does continue to color my impression of people in that particular field. It sounds like Kept Confidential was treated very badly by therapists, so I can understand her feelings of wariness about them. I know several people who worked with bad therapists, and the therapy was as damaging as the initial trauma.

Yes, there are bad therapists out there, just as there are bad professionals in any field. This is why I always suggest that people find a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people with their particular issues. A good therapist will allow you to “phone screen” him without cost before having to pay for an initial session. That is the time to check out his qualifications. Also, a good therapist will provide you with his resume and references at the first session.

Finding a therapist by referral is best. I found mine by referral from my pastor. People who have worked with a professional are in the best position to tell you about whether he is good or not.

Yes, there are many therapists who are drawn to the profession because of their own trauma history. As long as the therapist has worked through his own issues, I believe this makes him a better therapist because he has lived the trauma. No matter how many books you read, you can never fully understand trauma until you have experienced it.

Kept Confidential captures why I support inquiring into childhood abuse during a home study in this quote:

The abusers and society should be billed because without society's cooperation, abusers would not have access to children.

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Yes, society does bear responsibility for protecting our children, and this is what social workers are trying to do when they discuss our past traumas with us and suggest therapy before approving us to adopt. I know several adult survivors of childhood abuse who were adopted into abusive homes. This should never happen. Abused adoptees have an added layer of pain to work through that is not experienced by those of us who were abused by our blood relatives.

While the vast majority of abuse survivors do not abuse others, about 10% do. A social worker must make sure that none of the 10% have access to children through adoption. The only way to do this is to talk with abuse survivors about their history. This is not a witch hunt: It is a safety net to protect children from experiencing the things that you and I have.

Speaking Out

I also disagree with this statement:

My advice - NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU WERE ABUSED AS A CHILD TO A SOCIAL SERVANT OR THERAPIST WHO IS LOOKING FOR CLIENTS and NEVER TELL ANYONE WHO IS NOT YOUR FRIEND ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON, YOU BECOME THE BAD GUY! This is the real world and it's ugly out there!

I have gone public about my abuse history here on this blog, where many people all over the world have access to reading it, as well as in my off-line life. I have been shown nothing but compassion. Nobody has posted that I should not have been allowed to adopt, and nobody has treated me like a “bad guy.”

We survivors need to talk about what happened. That is the only way that anything is ever going to change. I had no voice as a child, but I have one as an adult, and I will speak it loudly until society listens and takes steps to protect the children. If only the generation before us had spoken out, perhaps you and I would have been spared our pain.

Related Topics:

• Surviving the Wait: Dealing with Unresolved Issues




• Top Ten List: Adopting an Abused Child (Abuse survivors might struggle with some of the issues outlined in this series about adopting a child who has been abused.)