If you were abused as a child, then you will likely be asked to discuss your history with the social worker during your adoption home study. The best way to get through this is to prepare yourself as much as possible before that meeting in your adoption home study. How can you do this?

Talk to your Therapist

Schedule a meeting with your therapist to talk about the home study before you have your one-on-one session with the social worker. Your therapist can provide you with strategies to get through the session. You might want to schedule a session for the day after the home study meeting so that you can talk with your therapist about the aftermath.

I found it very reassuring to hear my therapist say that he would do whatever was needed to reassure the social worker that I would be a good mother to an adopted child. He told me that if a letter was needed (and it was), we would write the letter together (and we did). It helped to know I had an ally who would support me through the meeting.

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If you have been in therapy, you should already have some tools to help calm your anxiety as you talk about your history. If you do not, here are some strategies that work well to calm yourself when triggered:

• Breathe in the scent of vanilla before, and even during, the meeting (The scent of vanilla is calming.)


• Take long, deep breaths


• Take PMS medication before the meeting (The muscle relaxants for menstrual cramps can also relax other muscles.)


• Tell yourself that you are safe (You can do this as a mantra in your head.)


• Visualize a safe place right before the meeting, such as a beach at sunset

Think about What to Share

You do not have to share every detail about what happened. The social worker is much more concerned with how you have processed what you have endured and how it has affected your life. I will discuss the types of questions that I was asked in my next post. Review those questions and think through your answers ahead of time.

Give Yourself a Pep Talk

Before you go to the meeting, remind yourself that you are a survivor. You endured tremendous pain as a helpless child and lived to tell about it. Remind yourself that you are no longer that helpless little boy or girl: You are a functioning adult who is going to be a great parent.

Set Aside Time to be Alone Afterward

As I shared in my post Abuse Survivors: My Second Home Study, I sobbed for over an hour after my home study meeting. Talking about my history dredged up a lot of pain. I needed privacy so that I could pour out my emotions. Block off your calendar for the rest of the day so you will have the freedom to react in any way that you need.

Be Kind to Yourself

Abuse survivors need to be reminded repeatedly to be kind to themselves. Talking about the past can trigger very painful emotions, especially if you have not fully healed your emotional wounds. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel, and do whatever activity will soothe you, such as taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, or just curling up in front of the TV. Comfort your wounded child inside and reassure her that you are going to be okay.

Related Topics:

• Surviving the Wait: Dealing with Unresolved Issues




• Top Ten List: Adopting an Abused Child (Abuse survivors might struggle with some of the issues outlined in this series about adopting a child who has been abused.)