People who decide to adopt after infertility have issues to work through that are not experienced by those who never tried to conceive a biological child. While adoption cures childlessness, it does not cure infertility. Many couples who decide to adopt after infertility are not aware of this very important distinction, and they can be blindsided by the pain of their infertility even after they become parents through adoption.

No matter how wonderful your adopted child will be, he is not a replacement for the biological child about which you dreamed. Your adopted child is not going to be the perfect blend of your spouse's and your physical characteristics. He is not going to carry on your bloodlines because his DNA came from other people. These are losses that you need to grieve.

I believed that adopting a child would make the pain of my infertility go away, but it did not. In most of the important ways, adopting my son met my need to parent. However, his adoption did not cure my desire to experience pregnancy. I have never had two hearts beating inside of my body. I have no amusing labor and delivery story to share because I was 300 miles away, fast asleep in my bed, when my son was born. I remain an outsider in the "club" of women who have experienced pregnancy, labor, and delivery.

None of this means that I do not love my son. I would give my life for this child. I love him more deeply than I have ever loved another person in my life. However, even the depth of this love did not prevent me from feeling deep pain as one friend after another told me that she was expecting her second child. The pain only ended when I chose to grieve my infertility losses.

I needed to grieve the loss of the little girl with daddy's eyes and mommy's nose that would never exist. I had to grieve never experiencing one of the most significant life events that most women experience. It was when I acknowledged the pain and wept my tears of grief that I finally healed that wounded place in my heart.

Adoption is a wonderful way to grow your family, but adoption is not a "cure all" for infertility. Adoption will cure your childlessness, but only you can cure the pain of your infertility by actively grieving your losses.

Related Topics:

Adopting After Infertility

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt