A big issue for an abused child is the inability to feel safe. When you have been awakened hundreds of times in the middle of the night to be harmed, it is hard to feel safe sleeping at night, even when you are now living in a safe place. The child’s brain has been conditioned to be “on alert” at night to listen for the door opening, signaling the next abusive experience. It takes a very long time for an abused child to let down his guard.

An abused child is going to test you over and over again because he does not believe that he is truly safe. It is very important that you pass these “safety” tests, and you pass them by consistently following through on the small things. If you say that you are going to do something, then do it. Always be on time to pick up the child. Let the child see that you are who you say you are. It will probably take him a lot of time to accept this about you, even when you are consistently reliable. If a child cannot trust you to be reliable in the small things, he is not going to risk trusting you in the big things.

Work with the child to help him to feel safe. If you have an indoor family pet, give the child the option of letting the pet sleep in his room. See Adoption: Healing The Soul for the benefits of getting an abused child his own pet. Some abuse survivors sleep much more soundly when they have an animal “keeping watch” over them as they sleep. Allow the child to have a comfort object, like a stuffed animal or favorite blanket. I used to take my favorite stuffed dog to bed with me even into my teen years because it made me feel safer.

Be sensitive about not startling an abuse survivor, and NEVER purposely sneak up on an abused child. Many abuse survivors are hypervigilant, which means that they are ultra-aware of their surroundings. The startle reflex of an abuse survivor is much stronger than most people’s reflexes. Always announce your presence when you enter a room if the child is engrossed in an activity like reading a book. If your child struggles with this issue, consider keeping a vanilla scent in your house, particularly in his room. The scent of vanilla helps to calm the startle reflex. Also, some sort of white noise, such as running an air purifier or humidifier, can help an abused child to sleep better at night.

Related Topics:

• Top Ten List: Adopting an Abused Child


• Assessing Health Risks: PTSD; RAD


• Help for Infants and Toddlers with Attachment Disorder


• Attachment, abandonment, anxiety?


• Is my child attached or not?


• How can you tell if your child is attached? More ideas...