One of the most frustrating aspects of adopting an abused child is when the child does not attach to you. I know some adoptive parents who have showered a child with love, but the child refused to receive that love. The parents are baffled why the child continues to reject them, even though they have only shown the child love and kindness. This post is to help you understand the mind of the abused child in this situation. This post also serves as a warning that this could happen to you and as reassurance that, if it does, it is not your fault.

When you are in the womb, you grow to love your mother. You hear her voice as well as the voices of others in her life. You are warm and safe. You are born, and you reach out to connect with this mother who you love as well as the other people in your family. For most babies, your mother and other family members love you, and you feel safe. It is the most natural thing in the world to attach to your mother and other family members.

For children in abusive households, the environment is much different. You are not safe, and you do not feel loved. Any love that you receive comes at a painful price. The first people who you ever loved use your body to meet their own warped emotional needs. You are small and helpless, and these people who are five times your size repeatedly hurt you. You don’t even know why they are hurting you, but you assume that it must be your fault. It is not safe to hate them because you need them to feed you, so you choose to hate yourself instead. Since all you know is mistrust in your household, you extend your distrust to the outside world. If your own parents are not safe, then why would anyone else be safe? More importantly, when you do not love yourself, you do not believe there is anything in you that is worth loving.

Now the child has been removed from the abusive situation and placed in a warm and loving home. This is like moving to another planet. Nothing in the family makes sense. You have come to expect being slapped across the face when you spill your milk, but that doesn’t happen here. Why not? When kindness was shown in your abusive home, there was something terrible coming behind it. You assume that something even worse is going to happen now. Love has also been intermixed with pain. Loving your parents brought you intense pain, so you shut down your heart. It takes a very long time to risk loving again.

Related Topics:

• Top Ten List: Adopting an Abused Child


• Assessing Health Risks: PTSD; RAD


• Help for Infants and Toddlers with Attachment Disorder


• Attachment, abandonment, anxiety?


• Is my child attached or not?


• How can you tell if your child is attached? More ideas...