On my post, Sliding Scale for Adoption Based Upon Adopted Child's Race, a reader posted the following comment:

Somewhat off topic, but is it weird that I am annoyed with these agency websites I am looking at referring to an expectant mother as a birthmother? – Chromesthesia at Sliding Scale for Adoption Based Upon Adopted Child's Race

I have posted before that the adoption agency who handled the adoption of my son is very ethical, doing many things that were above and beyond the call of what I see most agencies doing. Despite this, that agency also referred to expecting mothers as "birthmothers" or "women in the birthmother program." So, if my very ethical agency made this mistake, I am certain there are many others out there that do as well.

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While this might sound like splitting hairs to some, there really is power in the words we use. When a pregnant woman is told repeatedly that she is a "birthmother," she embraces that label. Then, when her baby is born, she might go through with placing her baby for adoption even when she has strong reservations because she feels like she is already a birthmother and has no choice. The truth is that any expecting woman has the right to raise her own baby up until the moment her parental rights terminate, regardless of how anyone else has referred to her.

Years ago, I used to post on a message board with a woman who referred to herself as "would have been birthmother" because she had considered placing her baby for adoption but ultimately chose to parent. While I appreciated her specifying her interest in adoption, I hope she did not apply this label to herself in her day-to-day life. Regardless of what she considered during her pregnancy, she parented her child, which makes her just as much of a parent as any other mother. I can see where the "birthmother" label before parenting can cause a woman to feel less than a mother when that is simply not the case.

I suspect that you will find few adoption agencies that refer to expecting mothers as "expecting mothers." Many refer to them as "birthmothers" or "placing mothers." While I disagree with the use of this terminology, I would not refuse to work with an agency solely on this basis, assuming the agency is ethical in all other respects. However, I would talk with the agency about why I would rather refer to expecting mothers as such in the hopes of them changing this practice. As the "consumer" in this industry, hopeful adoptive parents have the power to drive this change in the adoption industry if we are vocal about it.

Related Topic:

Adoption 101: Terminology

Photo Credit: Lynda Bernhardt