Many people who want to adopt a newborn baby will match with a placing mother, who will become the child's birthmother. This can be done through an adoption agency or through a private (non-agency) avenue, such as a facilitator or adoption attorney. Private adoptions tend to be a little less expensive, but you might need to take on the responsibility of networking to locate a placing mother.

If you decide to match with a placing mother, you need to decide whether you want a closed, semi-open, or fully open adoption. I strongly encourage hopeful adoptive parents to thoroughly research the pros and cons for each type of adoption and make an informed decision about which type of adoption is best for their families. Many hopeful adoptive parents enter into the adoption process believing that a closed adoption is what they want because they are unfamiliar with the other types of adoption. However, after researching the different levels of openness and understanding the benefits to all members of the triad, many hopeful adoptive parents will conclude that a more open arrangement will better meet their needs.

Society has promoted a stereotypical view of a birthmother who is a teenager, unmarried, and from a poor or lower middle class family. While there are many birthmothers who fit this description, there are also many who do not. There are many birthmothers who are not in their teens when they place their babies for adoption. My son’s birthmother was in her mid-thirties. Some older women choose to place their babies for adoption because they have enough life experience to know all that is involved in raising a child and are not able to do the job themselves at this point in their lives.

I have heard about several circumstances in which married birthmothers have placed their babies for adoption. Some of the reasons include…

• Couple was divorcing


• Birthmother was in prison


• Birthmother was pregnant as a result of rape


• Birthmother was pregnant from an affair


• Birthfather was abusive

As for social status…You cannot make assumptions that a placing mother or birthmother is poor. There are very wealthy families who don’t want a “scandal” when their children become pregnant. I have heard of single female executives who were “married” to their careers and did not have time to raise a child but did not believe in abortion. I have heard of very religious families who could afford to raise the baby but who believe that a baby needs a married mother and father.

If you choose to match with a placing mother, try to remember that she is a unique individual, just like you are. She is also very likely new to this process, just like you. You do not want her making assumptions about who you are as a hopeful adoptive parent, so extend the same courtesy to her. Once you adopt her baby, you will be connected for the rest of your lives. You will get your relationship off to a better start by viewing her as a person rather than as a stereotype.

Related Topics:

• Meeting the Placing Mother


• Assumptions stink!


• Dear birthmother...