In the last blog, we talked about a reader’s question concerning what to call her relationship with her child’s birthmother in an open adoption. This sparked a question about my own situation, which I would love to hear from you about.
I am not sure what my son should call his birthmother. Whenever I talked about her when he was younger, I would refer to her as “your birthmother.” When Nicholas was around four years old, this terminology confused him. He wondered about his “other mother” and seemed confused about how he could have two moms. He did not understand how he could have one mom who was around all of the time and another mom who was not. I explained as best I could, but his four-year-old mind had trouble wrapping around the concept of having two moms. So, I switched to referring to her by her first name (T). Then, I went back and forth about whether she should be called “Miss T” because he refers to all adults as Ms. ___ or Mr. ____ as a sign of respect. (What can I say? We’re Southern. LOL) Calling her “Miss T” seemed really formal in light of their relationship, so I went with just calling her T. I did this to make their relationship seem less formal, and the fact that she is the only adult he does not call Ms. ____ or Mr. ____ shows that their relationship is unique. Nicholas is now six and still knows her as T.
For those of you in adoptive relationships, how do you refer to your child’s birthmother, and what does your child call his or her birthmom if the relationship is an open one with visits? In our case, T is not in touch with us, so this is not an issue I can discuss with her. I would love to have an idea about what Nicholas should call her if he decides to search for her when he is older. I welcome input from birthmothers as well, even if you do not have an open adoption. How do you think your birth child should refer to you?
The Munchkin calls me Jenna. She can call me whatever she wants as long as she calls me.
Good point. :0)
I am glad to hear from a birth mother that calling a birth mother by her first name is a good choice.
Thanks for your response.
- Faith
My son calls me Heather. When he is explaining to people who I actually am, he says I’m his birthmother.
I’m with Jenna – he can call me whatever he wants as long as he calls me. ; )
Charlie calls me Cola and sometimes he refers to me as his “burpmom” when he is telling others who I am to him. I wrote a post about it awhile back – http://open.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/being-charlie-s-burp-mom
my bchild calls me by my first name to my face – who knows what she calls me behind my back lol.
My son too calls me by my first name, and yes, as long as he calls me…..
Before we had our face to face, he said he had decided to call me by my first name. However, he also assured me though that if we ran into any of his friends, they would know who I was.
I LOVE the “burpmom.” That is PRECIOUS!!
LOL!!
- Faith
before I met him he called her by her name, followed by momma so ____momma. We just say “your mom” occasionally I slip and call her by her fist name only, but I have been known to do that as well when talking about my husband,LOL. It isjust a habit since I call all adults simply by name when talking to anyone but the children.
When talking to other adults outside the home we clarify by saying birth, or biological mom, but other than that we just seem to know when we are speaking about me, or his bmom, so it doesn’t really matter to us if we say mom when talking about her.
Julie,
Wow — that’s really great that everyone in your family is at ease and feels comfortable with the use of “mom” being used for both of you. Posts like yours are so refreshing, especially when you hear stories involving the “tug-of-war” over the title of “mom.”
Thanks for your comment.
- Faith
My son just turned 3, but from the time he was 2 and half his b.mom was referred to by her first name. And whould you would ask him who C. is he would respond “my birth mom”. But when he prays for her, or when I talk about her, we use a first time. And since he is still so young, every once in awhile I will ask him who C is. (I also have someone else ask him who C. is so that he can get used to answering to other people and not just me)
That’s an interesting idea about how your son will respond when somebody else asks about who C is. I’ll have to have someone else ask Nicholas (he’s 6) who T is and see what he says. I would guess that he would say, “I grew in her stomach,” but I really won’t know unless someone else asks him.
- Faith
My friends little boy calls his birth mom his tummy mummy. I liked this cause it’s almost a term of endearment.
Just my $0.02
Katt
“Tummy mummy” — That is PRECIOUS!! I LOVE it!!
- Faith