When we were going through our home study, the social worker told us that adoption involves grief for all members of the adoption triad. I did not want to hear this, and I did not believe it. I could understand how the birthmother could grieve the loss of her birthchild, but I could not understand how I or the child could possibly experience grief. We would have each other, and there would be nothing to grieve. I now realize just how wrong I was.

The birthmother’s grief is obvious. Her baby grew in her body for nine months, and she bonded with her baby. She placed her baby for adoption to be raised by strangers. No matter how firm she was in her decision, she carries around a hole in her heart because her birthchild is no longer in her life (or minimally in her life in a fully open adoption). For more on adoptive grief from a birthmother's perspective, see Grieving an Adoption Loss.

An adoptive parent has losses to grieve, too. If the adoptive parents are infertile, they need to grieve the loss of their fertility. See Surviving the Wait: Grieving Your Losses for more on this topic. In addition to this, the adoptive parents might grieve any medical issues that have arisen from the child’s prenatal care. In some adoptions, the child might not have received adequate (or any) prenatal care. Other children might have been exposed to drugs or alcohol in the womb. The adoptive parents might experience grief in seeing the medical and/or emotional consequences as they deal with the issues that arise from this.

The child might experience grief in knowing that he did not “grow in mommy’s tummy.” He might grieve not looking like anyone in his family. He might grieve feeling “rejected” by the birthfamily by being placed for adoption.

All of these feelings of grief are normal and human. This grief does not mean that adoption is a bad thing. That being said, grief needs to be recognized and processed so that it does not loom over your life like a dark cloud.

I read somewhere (wish I could remember where so I could give credit) a wonderful way for adoptive parents to help their children with their adoptive grief. The book talked about an adoptive mother whose child came to her and said that she was sad that she did not grow in her mommy’s tummy. The mother said, “I am sad that you did not grow in my tummy, too. Let’s cuddle on the couch together and be sad for a while.” She held the child and let her feel her grief. After a while, they both felt better. This interaction had the added benefit of teaching the child that it is okay to talk to her mother about issues surrounding her adoption.

It is important that adoptive parents teach their children that it is okay to be sad about the losses in adoption. Adoptive parents need to show their children how to grieve those losses. Life is filled with loss and disappointment. People who learn how to grieve their losses are able to function in life without their losses overshadowing every other aspect of their lives.