Comments on: Profiles: “Dear Placing Mother” Letters

By: Faith Allen

Faith Allen — Fri, 25 May 2007 17:47:10 +0000

Thanks, Coley!

- Faith

By: Coley S.

Coley S. — Fri, 25 May 2007 11:50:59 +0000

Oh, I forgot to comment on a part Faith! What to call the letter… On some of the websites I have created we simply put a link that says “our letter to you.” I also like introduction.

By: Coley S.

Coley S. — Fri, 25 May 2007 11:49:14 +0000

That’s a tough one Faith. Some of my reasons for not liking “placing mother” really have nothing to do with whether or not she is a placing mother at that point or not, I just think it sounds odd.

In the case you mentioned, I’m sticking with my suggestions above! They still work!

By: Faith Allen

Faith Allen — Thu, 24 May 2007 18:29:25 +0000

Thanks for the comment, Heather.

I have a question for a future post that I am working on re: how to write letters to a woman who has already placed the baby into the adoptive home but still retains parental rights. (For example, in the state of Georgia, after a woman signs the parental relinquishment papers, she has 10 days by law to revoke her decision and choose to parent.) Would this woman be accurately described as a "placing mother"? If not, how would you describe her?

The post is about how to write a letter to the "placing mother" in this situation. I am open to using different terminology to be more respectful. At this point, she would not be an "expectant mother" because the baby has already been born and placed into an adoptive home. However, she is not a birthmother because she does have the right to choose to parent at any point during this time period.

Thanks for your help with this!

- Faith

By: Heather Lowe

Heather Lowe — Thu, 24 May 2007 15:59:38 +0000

Coley's idea is good.

I've also seen people say
"Dear expectant mother..." which is also accurate. As others have noted, "placing mother" is no better than "birthmother."

The letter could be called an introduction or a profile.

By: Faith Allen

Faith Allen — Thu, 24 May 2007 11:53:18 +0000

Good idea, Coley! So simple, yet I never thought of that. It still leaves the question of what to call the letter itself. Maybe just “informational letter” for the profile??

- Faith

By: Coley S.

Coley S. — Thu, 24 May 2007 04:31:57 +0000

I don’t like “dear birthmother” or “dear placing mother” personally speaking. I have seen “dear potential birthmother” used before -don’t like that either! “Dear special person” and “dear friend” are ok. But why not just start off with a simple “hello,” “hi there,” or “hi.”

By: Faith Allen

Faith Allen — Thu, 24 May 2007 03:24:19 +0000

This is an area in which the adoption community has reached no consensus. You are correct that many women object to using the term "birthmother" before a baby is born because a pregnant woman cannot be a birthmother to an unborn child. She still has the legal right to parent her baby, and giving her this label is viewed by some people as being coercive.

Out of respect for this viewpoint, most members of the adoption triad refrain from calling a pregnant woman a "birthmother." However, I am not aware of any consensus on what IS a good way to refer to a woman who is considering placement. Some of the terms that I have heard include placing mother, expectant mother, and relinquishing mother. Using these terms instead of "birthmother" acknowledges that the woman's parental rights have not been relinquished.

It's a shame that those letters cannot be personalized to say "Dear Jane" or "Dear Susan." Unfortunately, agencies like to have one generic letter to include with the profile that many women might read when selecting a hopeful adoptive couple.

I welcome any comments from placing mothers or birthmothers. What terminology is most respectful in addressing a letter to a pregnant woman who is considering adoption for her unborn child?

- Faith

By: happygmom

happygmom — Thu, 24 May 2007 02:40:38 +0000

I thought that the objection to "Dear Birthmother" is that it presumes that the mother will choose adoption when she in fact has the right to change her mind any time until after she signs off on her parental rights. I don't see how "Dear Placing Mother" is any different or any less disrespectful. It still presumes that adoption is a done deal. Wouldn't "Dear Mother who is considering placement" be more accurate?

Janet