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In my post, Adoptive Parent Profiles: What to Communicate, I quoted Patricia Dischler*, author of Because I Loved You: A Birthmother’s View Of Open Adoption, as saying that placing mothers know that hopeful adoptive parents are emotionally and financially ready to raise a child. The big question is whether or not the placing mother can trust the adoptive parents. In my last post, Adoptive Parent Profiles: Establishing Trust, I discussed ways to help you connect with the placing mother in your profile. This post continues the discussion.
As a hopeful adoptive couple, you need to share your life with the placing mother through your profile. It is through sharing the details of your life that a placing mother can begin to trust and connect with you.
What types of details about your life should you share? Ms. Dischler makes these suggestions:
[I]t is important to share as much of your life as possible in your scrapbooks and when you meet in person. Things that may not seem important like your favorite foods, what you typically do on a holiday or that your favorite time of the day is early in the morning, may just be the thing that a birthmother relates to and uses to take that first step of trust. [Reprinted with permission.]
It never occurred to me to share information like my favorite time of day, but this makes a lot of sense. A placing mother is looking for ways to connect with a hopeful adoptive family. I would imagine that all of the smiling faces can blend together as she flips through several profiles. The things that make one couple stand out are those that the placing mother has in common.
What draws you to your friends? What attracted you to your spouse? In most cases, you are drawn to the people in your life because you connected in some manner. You like the same sports teams, or you both enjoy bowling. When an acquaintance expresses an interest in seeing the new Sandra Bullock movie, you move closer to establishing a friendship because you have another thing in common. If this is the way that other relationships build and deepen, then why would a relationship with a placing mother be any different?
In addition, revealing your life to a placing mother can show that you are comfortable with sharing your family with her. Unfortunately, there are adoptive parents who promise an open adoption but then slam the door on the birthmother after her legal rights terminate. Your openness in your profile can help alleviate the placing mother’s fear of you doing this to her. If you are open in your profile, then you are more likely to be open in your relationship.
*For more information on Patricia Dischler or her books, check out her website.
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