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When you are looking at a blank sheet of paper or computer screen, it can be difficult to know how to start describing your family. How do you tell a complete stranger about your life? What things should you share, and what parts should you keep private? What does a placing mother need to know about you before choosing you to parent her child?
When I was the one looking at a blank computer screen, I thought about the things that a placing mother might be looking for. I thought about this from a logical perspective:
- Married, two-parent home? Check
- Financial security? Check
- Educated? Check
- Successful careers? Check
- Ready, willing, and able to parent a child? Check
What else did a placing mother need to know? These were all of the things that I, as a hopeful adoptive parent, believed were important, so I assumed that this was all that a placing mother would need to know as well. I shared all of these things in my adoptive parent profile, but they were not enough. I was baffled because I could not fathom what else a placing mother would need to know.
Patricia Dischler*, author of Because I Loved You: A Birthmother’s View Of Open Adoption, provides some valuable insight into what is important to a placing mother when reviewing hopeful adoptive parent profiles:
Birthmothers already know that adoptive parents are capable of being parents. They know the adoptive parents have undergone scrutiny from the adoption agency and that financially and emotionally they are prepared. The one thing the birthmother does not know? If she can trust them. This is what birthmothers are looking for. [Reprinted with permission.]
Not once did I consider that trust was the most important part of making the decision to place a baby into my home. Choosing adoptive parents is about more than the “logical” stuff like the ability to afford a baby. The placing mother also has the concern of whether these strangers can be trusted to love and embrace her child, and that decision is going to be based on more than just “logic.”
How does a placing mother start to trust a hopeful adoptive couple? I will discuss that in my next post.
*For more information on Patricia Dischler or her books, check out her website.
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