In a discussion with a mother who had already adopted, she mentioned that she thought it was offensive when expectant mothers considering relinquishment asked certain types of questions. I found her offense to be equally offensive from the other side of the party lines. Why?
An expectant mother considering relinquishment is looking for a family in which to entrust her child. For a variety of reasons, she does not feel as if parenting is something that she can do on her own, with the help of the other biological parent or in general. As such, she is looking for a variety of things that a family may or may not possess. She is trying to determine the qualities that will make the best parents for her child.
That known, she needs to ask a lot of questions of any families that she is considering as parents for the child she may place for adoption. That’s you, in case you missed that fact! As you enter into the pre-match discussions and interviews with a mother who is considering relinquishment, you need to be prepared to answer a variety of questions. Some may take you out of your comfort zone but, here’s a tip:
- Parenting takes you out of your comfort zone.
- Adoption, especially open adoption, takes you out of your comfort zone.
There’s no way around it! This will be an out of the box kind of experience, whether you are planning to have an on-going relationship with your child’s parents or not. People will ask questions of you regarding your child’s adoption, your experience and other invasive things. When it comes to the (not-so) simple aspect of parenting, you will be thrust into experiences that you could never have otherwise imagined. It’s just the way it works.
Knowing all of this, it shouldn’t make it too difficult to answer an expectant mother’s questions, right? Okay, so it’s not that easy. If you could, for a second, place yourself in her shoes and imagine the kind of questions you would ask if you were walking this mile, perhaps it will make the process a bit easier for you.
In the end, if you’re not willing to answer her questions, she has every right to walk away. In fact, when I counsel mothers experiencing such situations, I encourage them to walk away if the potential adoptive parents won’t honestly answer her questions. She needs to be able to make an informed decision. While you have the right not to answer a question, she also has the right for that to be a make-or-break question and walk away in your silence.
In preparation for all of this, you should discuss the topic with your partner and decide ahead of time if there are any questions that are simply off limits for the two of you. Provide a united front if presented with a question of this nature. It would be in your best interest to, at the very least, offer an explanation as to why you feel that the question is inappropriate or off limits. Perhaps the expectant mother will understand.
Soon I will talk about some of the more controversial questions that may come your way.
I have been thinking about this in our own adoption journey. What questions make me feel uncomfortable and why?
As we move towards outreach and matching, I think the questions that might make me the most uncomfortable have to do with my own bad decisions in the past. My first marriage and subsequent divorce are the topics I would not volunteer info about, but definitely would answer about if asked.
I’ll think about this more and ask my husband, maybe there are things we’re not thinking of.
The fact of the matter is that the expectant mother is looking for a new home that can do everything for her baby that she can’t do. I don’t think any question should be considered “offensive.” This is probably one of the most important things that has ever happened to the AP’s and they need to be open to the BM’s questions and understand how as much as it may be difficult for them to answer the questions, it is much more difficult for the BM to place her child.
I meet my birthmother tomorrow. I am so pleased she will meet with us. I have no idea what she will ask. I’m a fairly open person and I’m willing to answer anything. I have no idea, however, what she may like to know that the agency hasn’t told her already. I’m worried about being “taken aback” by a question, or fumbling because I am a nervous person at first meetings.
Thank you all for sharing. You’ve spawned more topics! Good job!