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I often hear potential adoptive parents ask, “Will an expectant mother considering relinquishment choose our family if we have other children?” The answer, of course, is a simple yes. Some expectant mothers are actually seeking families with other children in which to place their child. But the question I’ve been thinking about lately is: are these adoptive parents preparing their children for the ups and downs of adoption?
I say this without judgment as I specifically chose my daughter’s family because they had older children in the home. I think that potential adoptive families can, without a doubt, properly prepare and involve the children already at home for adoption. But, sadly, I also see too many potential adoptive families who don’t quite know how to approach the issue and, as such, just decide to ignore it. That’s not beneficial to anyone involved.
The truth is that ignoring the subject for fear that your children will be hurt if a match falls through or if something goes wrong with a referral can cause more harm than good. If you are honest with your children about the process, the things that can go wrong and your expectations, they will feel better able to ask questions of you as things arise.
As an example, friends of ours chose not to tell their two children (11 and 13) that they were waiting for a domestic infant adoption match. (She has also given me permission to share their story here as she knows it will benefit others.) As they went through three failed matches, one of which involved staying a full week in another state before things fell through, their two sons were confused as to why their parents were so upset. The only thing they knew was that their parents were planning on adopting. Having not explained the process of matching and the reason that a mother has a right to make the decision to parent, they felt left out, confused and angry with these women who were causing their parents such heartache. Obviously, right?
My friend then decided to get them all (dad included!) into therapy. The therapist explained that it was necessary to involve the boys in the process as they were involved in the family. Once the boys had a better understanding of the match process, the steps involved in a legal adoption and what it all meant for their family, they felt better prepared. Thankfully, the next match was one that was successful and they are all enjoying an open adoption as of writing this post. The boys are actually head over heels with their new baby sister and share a nice penpal type relationship with their sister’s birth mother.
My friend learned the hard way. She had some angry boys on her hand at one point simply because she thought she was protecting them. In the end, she was doing more harm than good. So, learn from her mistakes: involve your children as much as you can in an age appropriate manner. In fact, if your children are old enough, consider having them add in a part of their own in the letter to the expectant parents considering relinquishment. That would be a great way to involve your children in the process and let them feel as though they are part of this family and life changing event.
Tune in soon as I have a book review for parents with younger children already at home who are waiting for an adoption. It’s a good one.
