On my post, Deciding to Adopt a Child: Loving Adopted Child, a reader posted the following comment:

It seems like a lot of times folks don't have that EXPLOSIVE SUDDEN LOVE for a child they have just adopted (or given birth to) and they worry that it will never happen, but it's different with everyone. Is it easier to bond initially with a baby or with an older child? – Chromesthesia from Deciding to Adopt a Child: Loving Adopted Child

Yes, it is true that some adoptive parents do not feel explosive love right away. I was surprised to learn that this is also true for some biological parents. There was a section in one of my parenting books that talked about this topic. The author said that, while some new parents feel intense love for their new addition, others do not. If this happens to you, do not feel guilty. As you take care of your baby (or child), your love will grow over time.

Once I read this about biological parents, I felt much more reassured about my own reaction. I had a feeling that I would feel deep love right away (and I did), but reading this took the pressure off in case my reaction was different.

As for whether you bond easier initially with a newborn versus an older child, that probably depends upon the person. To a certain extent, this could depend upon the connection you feel with your child. Some people feel drawn toward one another, whether in an adoption or in other types of relationships, and a bond is simply there from the beginning. For others, the bond grows over time. If you need the child to bond with you for you to feel bonded yourself, then adopting an older child is more likely to take longer.

The ease of bonding also depends upon the emotional baggage that the child brings along with him. If a child has been abused and is struggling with major trust issues, it is going to take time for him to bond with you. However, you might feel protective over him right away. When I have discussed this topic with adoptive mothers, it sounds like older child adoptions tend to have a bond that grows slower versus an explosion of love from the beginning. However, every person is different, so some adoptive parents might say that they felt connected instantly.

I know some adoptive mothers who have adopted both newborns and older children. While they love all of their children, they say that there is something different about their relationships with the ones they parented from babyhood versus the ones who joined the family when they were older. They say it is a different dynamic. They would not say that they loved one child more than another, only that the experience was different.

I welcome comments from those of you who adopted older children. Did you fall in love right away, or did it take you a while to feel like your child's parent? Because I have only adopted a newborn, I cannot speak to this topic firsthand.

Related Topics:

• Bonding With Older Adopted Children



• Bonding in Older Child Adoptions



• Love and Bonding in Older Adopted Children

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