In my last post, Deciding to Adopt a Child: Reluctant Spouse, I talked about the stress that the adoption process can put on a marriage, particularly when one spouse is ready to adopt but the other is not. Before moving on to other topics, I have a book suggestion for anyone with a reluctant spouse. This book is a must-read for anyone who fears the effects of the adoption process on his marriage.

Jill Smolowe wrote a fabulous book called An Empty Lap: One Couple's Journey to Parenthood. This book is easily the best book on adoption I have ever read, and it is particularly helpful for anyone seeking to adopt who has a reluctant spouse.

I read this book almost a decade ago, and yet the story has stuck with me all these years. Considering how many books I read in a year, I can only remember the details from a few of them. (My brain only has so much storage space available!) The fact that I recall the details so well after all this time is a testament to the poignancy of the book.

The author, Jill, went through fertility procedures when she was in her late thirties and her husband, Joe, was in his late forties. Joe was, at best, ambivalent about becoming a father at his age, but he went along because it meant so much to Jill. When the fertility procedures did not work, Jill wanted to consider adoption, but Joe, who was by then past 50, was ready to let the dream die.

The couple looked into adopting domestically but, after heartbreak, decided to adopt from China. When I say “the couple” decided to do this, I mean that Jill demanded it, and Joe was pulled along for the ride, digging in his heels pretty much the entire time. When they boarded the plane to fly to China to adopt their daughter, neither honestly knew whether Joe would stay with the family upon their return to the United States.

The story of Joe falling in love with his daughter, Becky, during their first night together in China is particularly heartwarming, and it made me cry because I could see my husband in Joe. By all accounts, Joe embraced this child wholeheartedly and loves her with all that he has. According to Ms. Smolowe’s article, The Reluctant Spouse, Joe now encourages reluctant spouses to take the plunge and adopt.

The beauty of this book is not in the story itself (although the story is fascinating): It is in the author’s raw and honest emotions. When I read this book, I felt like my husband and I had been bickering forever along our journey to parenthood. Meanwhile, every adoption book I read talked about couples who were happily on the same page about adoption (or at least implied harmony on the subject.) I feared that there was something very wrong with us.

Then, I read this book, and Ms. Smolowe reassured me through her words that I was not alone. Her road to parenthood was even rockier than mine, but she had a happy ending. She gave me the hope that we would have a happy ending, too, and we did.

Related Topics:

• Stress of the Adoption Process on Your Marriage



• Reluctant Spouses ... Speak Slowly



• Choosing to adopt- the reluctant spouse


• The Heartbreak Of Dealing With A Reluctant Spouse



• When Your Spouse Isn’t Ready

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