From Protecting Adopted Child’s Privacy Series:

5. Shared information can influence how others view the birthfamily, which can influence the child’s feelings.

Unfortunately, friends and family of hopeful adoptive couples do not go through the home study process along with the couple. While the hopeful adoptive couple is becoming educated about how adoption affects the birthfamily, their family and friends are not privy to this education. Therefore, the people in a hopeful adoptive couple’s life might be closed-minded about a child’s birthfamily.

I had never really thought much about birthmothers before going through the home study process myself. When I was a teenager, I knew a 17-year-old girl who placed her baby for adoption. I was surprised to see that she had pictures of the baby before placement, and I could see how much she loved the baby. However, from my perspective as a 14-year-old girl, all I took away from this experience was shock that someone close to my age had already birthed a baby.

Many people have never even met a birthmother (or do not know that they have), so they do not have any idea what to expect. All they know is that they could “never give away” their “own baby,” so they perceive birthmothers as having less of a maternal instinct. By meeting a birthmother, a person can see how much love is involved in making the decision to place a baby for adoption. However, without this experience, many people start with a baseline negative opinion of the birthfamily.

Once you start sharing details about the birthfamily, you risk adding even more negativity to the mix. Some family and friends, who already start out with a negative opinion, will reinforce this negativity as they learn additional details, particularly when the birthfamily’s life choices are different. For example, if Aunt Marge is a “goody two shoes,” telling her that the birthmother got pregnant while intoxicated at the prom is only going to taint her opinion of the birthmother. It won’t matter if the birthmother was a straight A student who had never had a drop to drink before that night: Aunt Marge will have already set her opinion.

If Aunt Marge would keep her opinions to herself, then the damage might be minimal. However, in any circle of people, the “Aunt Marges” are going to drop their opinions here and there, and you do not want those opinions reaching your child’s ears. Your child does not need to hear disparaging comments about his birthfamily because these comments can affect how he feels about both his birthfamily and himself.

Related Topics:

• Adoptees Personal Information Needing to Remain Their’s


• Protecting Adoptees Past Information



• Saying Too Much



• How To Keep Your Child’s Story Private



• On Sharing Pre-Adoption History



• Sharing your child's story...or not