From Protecting Adopted Child’s Privacy Series:

8. Privacy reserves the opportunity to tell the history in a better way.

If you tell others about your child’s history, then they have the power to present that history to your child with their own spin on the story. Maintaining your child’s privacy enables you to share the truth in a much more positive and comforting light.

Let’s say your child’s birthmother became pregnant after losing her virginity to her high school sweetheart on prom night. As a parent, you can present this information to your child in a positive way. You can talk about how both birthparents were very young and did not have the experience and maturity to raise a baby, but they made a very loving choice to place the child into a loving home. You can also talk about how the birthparents loved each other.

Contrast this presentation with something that a close-minded relative might say. Aunt Marge might tell your child that his birthmother was a “slut” who “got knocked up” on prom night, and she truly might not see anything wrong with this presentation of the facts. Of course, this recitation of what happened is much more difficult for any child to hear, and since anyone who would recount the facts in this manner is clearly not a sensitive person, your child will probably not receive comfort after having this bomb dropped in his lap.

Now imagine that the child’s history is even more volatile, such as having been conceived as a product of rape or that a birthparent is in prison for murder. This kind of information needs to be shared in a way that is sensitive to the child’s feelings, and the child needs to hear that his identity is not defined by his birthparents’ choices. With this kind of information, it is even more important that only the parent share this information with the child. The only way to ensure this is by not sharing this information with others in the first place.

You, as the parent, will know your child better than anyone, so you will know the best way to talk about your child’s history with him. Do not give up this ability by arming other people in your child’s life with this kind of information. Your child needs you to be the one to talk with him about his history in the most appropriate time and way.

Related Topics:

• Adoptees Personal Information Needing to Remain Their’s


• Protecting Adoptees Past Information



• Saying Too Much



• How To Keep Your Child’s Story Private



• On Sharing Pre-Adoption History



• Sharing your child's story...or not