As I shared in my last post, Using an Alias in a Semi-Open Adoption, because of my very unusual first name ("Faith" is a pen name), my husband and I chose to use an alias when I met my son's then-expecting mother. I believed this was the only way to protect our privacy, and that is definitely true if my son's birthmother wanted to track us down. However, I regret having made this decision, and it has resulted in some complications.

Before you decide to do the same thing, consider the following issues:

Turnover in Adoption Agency Personnel

Because semi-open adoptions are facilitated through the agency, you are relying on a third party to remember to use your alias whenever he speaks with your child's birthmother. This might be challenging enough for the social worker who worked with you, but imagine dealing with new people ten years later who are unaware of the alias. I have had to remind numerous people about the alias when sending packages to my son's birthmother.

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Whenever I write a letter to my son's birthmother, I have to remember to do a search for my real name. If I accidentally use my real name anywhere in the letter, she is not going to know who I am talking about. I also need to screen all pictures to make sure my real name is not on a name tag or whatever.

Trust Issues With Future Relationship

My biggest concern is how my son's birthmother is going to feel when, after 18 years, she learns that my name is different from what I told her. If my son chooses to search for her, I am not going to keep up the ruse. I will tell her the truth the first time I see her again face to face, and I will apologize to her for using an alias. However, the damage might have already been done. After she learns that I have lied to her about my name for 18 years, it is only natural for her to question what else I might have lied about. While I have been honest about everything else, I can see where she might question my integrity.

Child's Reaction to the Lie

While I had good reasons for making the choice that I did, I can see where my son might take issue with my lying to his birthmother about my name throughout his childhood. I do not want him to believe that it is okay to lie.

I have already made this choice, so now I have to live with the consequences. However, for those of you who are considering using an alias in a semi-open adoption, I encourage you to think through this decision carefully. If I could do it all again, I would use my real name.

Related Topics:

Semi-Open Adoption

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt