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#6 — Look Past the Comment and Into the Heart
Many meddlers are simply nosy, but sometimes the people who ask the nosy questions are the ones who really do care about us but are simply ignorant. Whenever somebody asks or says something that I find intrusive, I try to step back and determine the motivation behind the question or statement.
I have been told some pretty upsetting things by well-meaning people. For example, when I was in the midst of “Infertility Hades,” someone said that perhaps God does not intend for me to be a mother. Those words were like a knife through my heart. All I could think was how ludicrous that opinion was: God would allow babies to be born to abusive parents and even to people who dispose of their newborn babies in dumpsters, and yet I was such a horrible person that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. What got me past this very upsetting comment was looking past what was said and into the heart.
The person who said this is somebody who loves me very much (and someone who does not have Internet access to read this! LOL). She knows that my faith is very important to me and that I want to follow God’s will for my life. She really thought that bringing God into the equation would help me to see a greater purpose for my life – like perhaps God said no to having a baby to bring about a better yes. But that is not the way her comment came out, and that is definitely not the way I took it. If I had not looked past the ignorant statement and into her heart, our relationship could have been significantly damaged. Instead, I chose to focus on her intentions rather than on her words.
#7 — Educate the Ignorant
Oftentimes, annoying questions and comments are spoken out of ignorance. We who are “in the know” can view these moments as opportunities to educate society as a whole.
For example, I have been asked several times if I am still in touch with my son’s “real mom.” I reply, “I am his real mom. His birthmother receives pictures and letters twice a year.” I don’t say this in an obnoxious way; I am very matter-of-fact about it. Most people are not familiar with adoption terminology and, therefore, really do not know what to call the woman who gave birth to my son. They truly do not mean any disrespect by implying that I am not his “real” mother.
You can educate the person who asks, “Are you sure you’ll love them all [bio and adopted children] the same?” with the facts. I know several families with both adopted and biological children. The love is the same. They treat the children the same. Adoption is how a child joins a family; it is not a stigma or state of being. Your child is your child. Period.
The last paragraph is especially meaningful. “Adoption” and “birth” are two ways of a child entering a family. That is, after all, the definition of “adopt”…
In a general sense, once something is adopted, it is chosen and incorporated into the whole. It is indistinguishable from other entities that have previously been incorporated, through any means.
Using the word “adopted” in the context of a child does not change this definition at all!