Adoption.com's Self-Assessment Adoption Quiz asks a very important and insightful question about being reluctant to adopt:

27. Deep down do you feel like you are being forced to adopt if you want to have children, adoption as a means to build a family is "second best," or that adoption is your "last resort" if you want to be able to have children?

This is a very important question to ask yourself, and you need to be very honest with yourself in your answer. If you answered yes to this question, you are not yet ready to adopt. This does not mean that you will never get there – just that you are not there today. You need to resolve these issues before adopting a child.

A child needs to be embraced wholeheartedly, and you will not be able to do this if you have not resolved feeling pressured into adoption. I know several adult adoptees whose adoptive parents apparently felt this way because these people grew up feeling as if they had to earn a place in their family. They were told how "lucky" they were that their parents adopted them. No child should have to grow up feeling indebted to the people who raised them: The child is the blessing, not the parents.

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However, just because this is your reality does not mean that adoption is a "second best" way to grow your family, and you do not have to view your adopted child as a "replacement" for your "preferred" biological child. My son has been my son in my heart since we matched with his expecting mother. If she had chosen to parent, I would have felt the loss. I have never viewed him as anything other than my kid, even though I probably would not have adopted if I had been fertile.

This issue is not about the facts – it is about the attitude. I do not see my son as a second string member of our family. I see him as the child who helped to heal my broken heart just by joining our family. I did not do him a favor by adopting him – he was the blessing. I am the one who was blessed by his presence, not the other way around.

As I stated in my post, Deciding to Adopt a Child: Loving Adopted Child, you need to grieve the loss of your biological child before you are ready to adopt a child into your family. Grieving that first will help you push past the feelings of being pressured into adoption.

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