Not every expected placement turns into an adoption. Expecting mothers choose to parent. Countries shut down their adoption programs. Foster children are returned to their birth families for one more chance. If your expected placement falls through, how will you handle the loss?

Failed adoptions happen more frequently than you might expect. I know numerous people who have had to grieve the loss of a failed adoption from all types of adoption situations.

Most of the people I know who have suffered through failed adoptions matched with expecting mothers while they were still pregnant. While these women fully intended to place their babies for adoption, they simply could not do so after meeting their babies.

I, personally, believe that hopeful adoptive parents should not match with expecting mothers until after the baby is born and the placing mother is certain that this is the best choice for her baby. Until the baby is born, an expecting mother is making decisions for a baby who she has not yet met face-to-face.

According to our adoption agency, 30% of women who plan to place their babies for adoption ultimately choose to parent. That is a pretty high percentage, and matching with hopeful adoptive parents before the birth results in a lot of pain all around. The hopeful adoptive parents are devastated when the expecting mother chooses to parent, and the expecting mother feels pressured to place the baby for adoption and guilty for hurting the hopeful adoptive parents. It is a lose-lose situation for everyone except the agency, who is paid, in many cases, even if the adoption does not go through.

Every person I have talked with who suffered through a failed adoption felt an enormous amount of pain. This loss needs to be grieved. I know several adoptive families who suffered a failed adoption and then adopted their forever children exactly nine months later. They take comfort after the fact in knowing that, as their hearts were breaking, their forever children were coming into being.

Think about how you will prepare yourself for the possibility of a failed adoption and what steps you will take to protect your heart. I chose not to purchase or receive any baby items that were gender-specific so that all items could be used for a future placement. When I met my son, I chose to love him with all that I had and then pick up the pieces later if the adoption fell through. I decided that I would rather be a mother for 10 days than for zero, and broken hearts eventually heal.

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