When you adopt a child, you need to consider how much of a role the birthmother will have in your family. In some cases, this decision might be out of your hands. For example, in most cases, international adoptions are going to be closed adoptions, which means that the birthmother will not have any role in the child’s life, at least while the child is a minor. However, you can adopt a child internationally without having a closed adoption in some situations. See International adoption=closed adoption for more on this topic.

“Level of openness” simply means the amount of involvement that the birthmother (and sometimes other birth family members) has in the child’s life while he is a minor. Most adoptions used to be closed, but the trend over the last several years has been toward more openness.

Some people have fully open adoptions, which means that full identifying information is exchanged between the birth family and the adoptive family. Some adoptive families visit with the birthmother several times a year. This is not the same thing as co-parenting the child: This is simply a way for the child to maintain a relationship with his birthmother throughout his life. See my post Fully Open Adoption: Pros and Cons for more information about fully open adoptions.

Many adoptive families opt for a compromise position between the two extremes of fully open and closed adoption. This form of adoption is called a semi-open adoption. In a semi-open adoption, you might meet the expecting mother before the baby is born, but you will not exchange identifying information. In semi-open adoptions, the adoptive parents generally send the birthmother pictures and letters on a regular schedule (often twice a year) through a mediator, such as the adoption agency or adoption attorney. In some cases, the birthmother might choose to send pictures and letters as well.

The level of openness you choose is a big decision, so it is okay if you feel a little overwhelmed when you read about the various options. Once you commit to an open or semi-open adoption, you are committing to 18 years of some level of contact. While this can seem daunting, my experience has been that having at least some level of contact is a good thing. I love that I can answer specific questions about my son’s birthmother instead of having to say, “I don’t know” in answer to every question. Maintaining some form of contact also demystifies the child’s perceptions of his birthparents.

I strongly suggest that you research the pros and cons of all three types of adoptions and then choose the form that is right for your family. Do not let anyone else, whether that is family or on-line friends on message boards, bully you into choosing a level of openness with which you are not comfortable. Educate yourself about all of the options and then make an informed decision.

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