Infant adoption, child adoption, domestic adoption - Deciding to Adopt a Child: Uncompromising Positions

09/27/07

Deciding to Adopt a Child: Uncompromising Positions

Posted by : Faith Allen in Hoping to Adopt Blog at 05:35 am , 602 words, 178 views
Categories: Deciding to Adopt

What areas of childrearing are non-negotiable to you? Most of us have some areas of childrearing that we feel very strongly about, and you will be asked to identify those areas during the home study process. This is important information to know, especially when matching you with an expecting mother who might have equally strong feelings about these topics. This information could also be important for placements from foster care.

There are many areas of parenting that you might feel strongly about. Here are just a few to consider:

Discipline

Some people feel very strongly about the use of corporal punishment. Some people see spanking as abuse while other people see refraining from spanking as "sparing the rod and spoiling the child." Because this can be such a hot topic, it is important for you to identify your own beliefs, including why you believe as you do, and then communicate this information to your caseworker.

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An expecting mother who is anti-spanking is not going to want to place her baby in a home where the parents plan to use spanking as the primary form of discipline. Also, children who have been routinely beaten should not be placed in a home where spanking is used. I know a man who adopted a foster child who had been routinely beaten, so this man never touched his child as a form of punishment. He came up with creative punishments like making the 10-year-old boy wear a suit to school for big punishments. This form of discipline was much more effective than a spanking, and the child was able to trust that he would never be hit in his new home.

Religion

Religion is another area for which there is no compromise for many families. If you are planning to raise your child in the Catholic Church, then matching you with an expecting mother who is Jewish and wants her baby raised Jewish would not work. Also, a foster child who has embraced a particular faith should not have that faith stripped away in an adoptive home. If you are determined to raise your adopted child in a particular faith, make sure that this is a good match for the child.

Schooling

I know several people that home school their children, and they feel very strongly about this form of schooling. Make sure that the expecting mother does not feel strongly about the child attending a school outside of the home if you plan to home school your child.

Some foster children need the structure of a school day away from home. Other foster children thrive on the one-on-one attention received by schooling at home. Make sure that your schooling plans will be a good match with the child you adopt.

Stay-at-home Parenting

Whether or not to work outside of the home is another big hot button for many adoptive mothers. Expecting mothers might have strong feelings on this topic as well. Some might want their baby to spend the vast majority of his day with one of his parents; others might want the child to grow up seeing that a mother's role involves more than just tending to a child and a house. Neither view is "right" or "wrong"; just be sure to match with a woman with similar beliefs. Some foster children might need a stay-at-home parent, so be sure that your lifestyle will match your child's needs before adopting him.

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Chromesthesia [Member]

i wish folks would not quote that "spare the rod" line as if it comes from the Bible.
It makes me feel very cross. I am thinking about spanking right now and how much it bothers and annoys me.
There has to be a better way of dealing with a child's behaviour as long as the behaviour is actually addressed and not swept under the rug.

Permalink 09/27/07 @ 05:58

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

We spanked our bio kids. Not a lot, or often, or harshly, but we used it, and it worked. When we adopted from foster care, not an option. At all. There are a ton of effective ways to discipline and teach children without spanking. There's just no need for it. Sure do wish we'd had some of those skills for our first children!

As for the "spare the rod" part of the bible. The historical context of this passage is from being a shepherd. Shepherds use long rods as they herd the sheep, to direct and manage where the herd goes. If a shepherd were to hit a sheep, the animal would run. They are gentle creatures and need gentle handling.

Culturally, this has been taken out of context (as much of the bible has been) and used as an excuse to be mean. Where does anyone manage to figure on hitting a child with a rod anyhow? A couple of swift smacks with the palm of the hand is the most that should ever be used. Holy cow!

Permalink 09/27/07 @ 08:25

Comment from: Chromesthesia [Member]

Some have stated that line is from a poem, not the bible.
I've been readign some stuff that REALLY BOTHERS ME. Folks like Pearl and Ezzo definetly believe in using flexible rods, quarter inch piping, anything that doesn't leave a mark but causes a lot of pain.
How is that not abusive? Why do peopel condone stuff like that? It really makes me cross and angry. But these folks believe in breaking a child's spirit completely... They make me furious.

Permalink 09/27/07 @ 08:42

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

I will put together a post on the spanking topic. I will post it on the Adoptive Parenting blog instead of this one because the topic of spanking is probably a better fit over there. :0)

- Faith

Permalink 09/27/07 @ 17:45

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

sorry to hijack your post and take it off topic.

also wanted to add about the - sending child to school in a suit that he hated - tactic. This might work, but also has fair potential to be a shame producing experience for the child.

Please consider a series of posts on the topic of discipline, as this is an area of parenting which holds so much potential for success or failure.

Permalink 09/28/07 @ 10:41

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

Good idea!! I will put a series together on the Adoptive Parenting blog.

- Faith

Permalink 09/28/07 @ 10:57

Comment from: Chromesthesia [Member]

Cool.
The folks on Gentle Christian Mothers have interesting things to say about discipline.
I hate the idea of hitting a kid because-
I was hit and the anger about that didn't come up for years. It alienated me from my mother too much.
I don't want my child associating being hit with love. That is not a healthy association.
I don't think anything warrants hitting a kid.
Plus I doubt how it will teach a child self control and self respect.

Permalink 09/28/07 @ 11:24

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