During my series on Deciding to Adopt a Child, two readers left the following comments:

You know, Faith, the funny thing is that my family (me, my husband and son) get all those attitudes from others i.e. other people telling one of us how lucky my son is that he found a home and how saintly my husband and I are for taking in a poor hapless orphan. Other comments about how they know I'll have my "own" children one day instead of being "forced" to adopt again, and "you're lucky you could afford to adopt because even if he isn't your own child, he's better than nothing." It goes on an on. I have family members who don't really feel my son is a "true" member of the family (not members I associate with anymore). - OwensMama from Deciding to Adopt a Child: Adoption Pressure

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Why do folks act as if adoption is a bad thing? It really makes adopted children feel bad when they become adults. I never get that attitude. – Chromesthesia from Deciding to Adopt a Child: Adoption Pressure

Dealing with unsupportive people before, during, and after an adoption is one of the big challenges of going through the adoption process. As I pointed out in my post Unsolicited Comments About Your Family Planning, whenever you do something that is different from the way that most people do things, you are going to receive criticism. This is just a fact of life, and there is nothing you can do to change this reality.

That being said, you do not have to put up with the criticism. Only you can choose to sit there and listen to it. If somebody said some of those things to me about my kid, I would correct him firmly and/or walk right out the door. The other person would learn quickly that it is not okay to say things that imply (or flat out state) that my son is anything less than my son.

For those of you who are just beginning the adoption process, you need to know that all adoptive parents hear ignorant comments. There is no way of avoiding them. So, you will need to grow a thick skin and be ready to counter whatever ignorant comment is said.

This becomes doubly important when these comments are said in front of your child. As Chromesthesia pointed out, if you allow people to say these types of things in front of your child, then he will grow up believing that he is, in fact, second best. However, if your child sees you putting that ignorant person firmly in his place, he will know that the other person was rude and that you love him enough to "have his back."

Here are some good retorts for these rude comments. If you plan ahead, you will not be caught off guard and will know what to say.

… other people telling one of us how lucky my son is that he found a home and how saintly my husband and I are for taking in a poor hapless orphan.

No, we are the lucky ones who have been blessed by him.

… they know I'll have my "own" children one day instead of being "forced" to adopt again …

He is my "own" child, and I pray that I will be lucky enough to be blessed with another child as great as he is.

"… you're lucky you could afford to adopt because even if he isn't your own child, he's better than nothing."

He is my everything, and I am so glad that God/life provided our family with the means of bringing our child home to us.

The words are only part of standing up to unsupportive people: Attitude and body language is the other piece. Make it clear through your body language that these comments were rude, and communicate strongly that you are not going to tolerate these kinds of comments, particularly around your child. When all else fails, walk out. I choose not to hang around people who would view my child this way.

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