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As I was researching related posts for my Emotions of Adoption Series, I discovered that the members of the adoption triad have much more in common than we might realize. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with the search feature on this site, you can search for key words or phrases in all blogs on this site by using the search engine located on the right side of the window.) Whenever I searched for posts that included any emotion, the search engine located posts written about that emotion from each member of the adoption triad.
For example, a search of the word “grief” resulted in —
- Adoptee grief — Loss of a connection with the biological family
- Adoptive parent grief — Sadness in seeing the results of abuse in children adopted out of foster care
- Birthmother grief — Losing a birthchild to adoption
- Hopeful adoptive parent grief — Letting go of the dream of the child with daddy’s eyes and mommy’s nose
Each form of grief had a different cause, but all who wrote about the grief they experienced described similar symptoms and similar resolutions. While each person’s particular form of grief was unique to the experiences of that person, all members of the adoption triad could relate to the emotion itself.
On this family of blogs, the bloggers and readers are usually very respectful of one another, even when they do not agree. Based upon my experience with some adoption message boards, this respect is unusual. I see a lot of “us” and “them” on some adoption message boards as each “group” feels misunderstood. I wonder if we would see less “us” and “them” if each member of the adoption triad used her own experiences to develop empathy for others.
I will never fully understand the depth of the pain of placing a child into an adoptive home. Most birthmothers will never fully understand the depth of my pain from not being able to bear a child – a fundamental “right” experienced by most women on the planet. While we might not fully understand the cause of the pain that each experiences, the pain that we DO know can help us to empathize with one another a little better and to find more compassion when another member of the adoption triad talks about his or her pain.
What was even more surprising to me was finding search results for all members of the adoption triad for the “good” emotions of adoption. For example, hope was not limited to hopeful adoptive parents dreaming about a child; hope was also expressed by birthmothers and adoptees who were searching for each other. Hope was expressed by foster parents and adoptive parents who adopted out of foster care as they nurtured broken children. Joy was experienced not only by adoptive parents who held their children for the first time; birthmothers and adoptees in successful reunions experienced joy as well.
We really do have more in common than we realize.
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Great post Faith – it is always good to remember that we do have some of the same issues – but for different reasons!
Thanks, Jan. I really value your opinion. Thanks for the kudos.
- Faith