On this blog, I frequently harp on the topic of keeping your integrity when entering into an adoption arrangement with an expecting mother. The reason for this is the frequency with which I read comments such as this one, which was posted on Closed Adoption: Pros and Cons:

open adoptions are not all cracked up to be what they sound like..i went through an agency to put my baby up for adoption, i figured since they were friends of my employer they would be true to their word. through out the pregnacy i felt pressure at times i didnt want to go through with it. but i kept saying to myself its the best thing its open so you will always have pictures, letters and once a year meetings after all thats what i was promised they even signed a moral contract,well the first month went great till the birth father came forward asking questions, it scared the family so the mother decided to call me screaming and yelling and accusing me of bringing him forward. it was the agency who needed his signature, after that one moment i felt regret of a mistake i wrongly made. i felt be littled and i soon found out of the lies after the adoption was final in 6 months they stopped all contact all pictures,nothing that they had promise and that hurt the worse. so it can be just as bad as closed – Bicentanialbaby at Closed Adoption: Pros and Cons

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I do not know the particulars of this situation, such as the adoptive parents' reasons for closing the adoption, but my heart breaks for Bicentanialbaby. She agreed to place her baby for adoption with this family because they agreed to provide her with pictures, letters, and annual meetings. After the adoption was finalized, the adoptive parents failed to follow through on these promises. If they never intended to follow through and just told Bicentanialbaby what she wanted to hear so she would place her baby with them, then their actions are fraudulent. If their child ever reunites with his birthmother, I would not want to be in their shoes, having to explain why they treated the child's birthmother in this manner.

From what I understand from my adoptive mother friends who have open adoptions, open adoptions are not always easy. They take work, just like any other relationship takes work. Hopeful adoptive parents need to know this before entering into this kind of arrangement. It is easy for hopeful adoptive parents to promise the moon in order to adopt a baby, but they need to recognize and appreciate what they are promising.

I know one adoptive family that appreciates having open adoptions with both of their children's birthfamilies, but having two open adoptions adds complexity to their lives. They spend every vacation visiting with extended family, including mom's side of the family, dad's side of the family, older child's birthfamily, and younger child's birthfamily. There is not any time left to get away as a nuclear family because there is so much extended family to visit. However, they follow through with their promises because that is what people with integrity do.

I am not saying that it is never okay to close an adoption. If visiting with the birthfamily is harmful to your child, then a good parent must protect his child. However, no harm comes to a child by fulfilling the promise of sending occasional pictures and letters. Promising so much openness and then slamming the door shut with no notice is never okay. An expecting mother will chose you to parent her child in part because of the level of openness you are promising. She is the person who will enable you to become a parent. The least you can do is try to negotiate with her before slamming the door shut.

For those of you who have not yet entered into a relationship with an expecting mother, think long and hard about the level of openness to which you are willing and able to commit. Have integrity when entering into the arrangement. If you have no intention of staying in touch, then do not make the promise in the first place.

Related Topics:

• Deciding to Adopt a Child: Having Integrity



• Open Adoption: Keeping Your Promises

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt