Over on the Adoptive Parenting blog, a reader posted the following question:

When it comes to adopting children that have been abused how do you separate the fact from the fiction? How does a person distinguish real risks from Lifetime movies and urban legends everyone spouts about older child adoption?
How does a person prepare themselves for this step with realistic expectations without... total fear and ignorance? – Chromesthesia from Abused Adopted Child: Alter Parts

Chromesthesia asks some very valid questions. There are many success stories in older child adoptions, but there are also quite a few horror stories. Just check out any of the related blogs at the bottom of this post, and you will see just how difficult life can get when you live with a child with special needs.

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Some children who were abused are much easier to parent than others are. Abuse survivors tend to go to one of two extremes. For instance, I reacted by becoming a perfectionist while my sister became a rebel. I was easy to parent because I always did my homework, made good grades, and was passive. My sister, on the other hand, was defiant and out of control in many areas of her life. Both of us were equally damaged – we just reacted in different ways.

Whether a child turns to perfectionism or rebellion can be apparent fairly early. However, the onset of puberty can cause drastic changes in behavior, even in children who were previously eager to please. This is particularly true of children who have been sexually abused.

My advice is to talk with the "been there, done that" parents and seek out their words of wisdom. What did they look for when they met their children for the first time? What early signs did they miss? Be sure to read the blogs I have included in the related blogs below because those women have experience in parenting abused children. They can provide you with the information you need.

I would not adopt an older child until after spending some time with him. If your intuition says that this is a bad match, then listen to it, even if everything appears to be fine. Talk with the child's psychologist about his issues and make sure you feel equipped to handle them. Also, learn all you can about the aftereffects of trauma so you will be able to understand your child better.

Related Blogs:

• Foster Adoption blog



• Foster Care blog



• Older Child Adoption blog



• Parenting Special Kids blog



• Reactive Attachment Disorder blog

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