Here's part 1 of this post.

Here's where I'm coming from: although there are really bad statistical records on adoption, it seems clear (through the last real statistical study, which was done in 1992) that many, many adopted children in this country are not adopted through domestic, private adoption where the birth mother chose a family for her child, coerced or no. Many, possibly the majority, of adoptions in this country happen because really rotten things happen to children who shouldn't have to deal with them. So yes, adoptive parents need to acknowledge that their child had birth parents and respect the part that they played in their lives, but in many cases the a-parent is also having to figure out a way to tell their child why their first mother couldn't take care of them. Too young or not ready to be a parent is probably the easiest kind of birth mother for your child to have if you're an adoptive parent! Drug addicted, abusive, self-destructive? How do you explain that to a 4-year old or a 10-year old or a 16-year old? You and your 6 siblings were removed from the home and put into an orphanage because both your parents were so high all the time that they couldn't work and your house was too cold to live in? Or maybe, you were taken away from your birth mother because she drank so much during pregnancy that your younger sister is profoundly retarded and that's also why you can't sit still or pay attention or have a normal life? Or maybe, we don't know anything about your birth mother because you were found wrapped in a towel and left in a cardboard box on the steps of the police station. I don't know how you explain that! It's hard to be respectful and PC towards ALL FIRST PARENTS all the time when your child's first parents made terrible, horrible choices!

Whew! How do you really feel, Adrienne?

In my other blog, the Adopt from Russia blog, I try try try to keep on the subject at hand. But part of the subject is my own life experience with my adopted Russian son. When I started writing this blog in February my life with him was not particularly grand. We were moving, which caused him a lot of stress, and his developmental delays plus his then-untreated ADHD made life really, really difficult. I imagine some people thought I was being rather negative. I hope I didn't turn anyone away from adopting from Russia. But I needed to be honest, and through doing research for this blog as well as for him my family was able to find him the resources he needs. He is doing so much better!

But to get back to Dr. G's post about hating adoption. I don't think she hates it. She loves her girls, obviously, and they were adopted. I sure don't hate adoption. I don't think it's perfect - obviously much needs to be changed - but I would never suggest getting rid of it in any of its (LEGAL) forms. For many children and families it IS a win-win situation. I think we lose sight of that in all our efforts to make sure we don't step on any toes.

Go ahead - step on mine!