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So, you’ve been matched. You’re anxiously awaiting the phone call that lets you know the expectant mother with whom you have been matched is in labor. What do you do in the meantime?
Get to know the expectant mother!
I urge you, emphatically, to do this as fully as you can. If distance allows, spend time together. If you live too far apart for frequent visits (or any visits at all), spend time sending email or talking on the phone. Ask questions that you want to know. Ask questions that you think your child might want to know. Ask questions about the decision to place. Ask questions that have nothing to do with the decision to place.
Act as if you are getting to know a new friend. For really, that’s what this relationship has the potential to be: a new friendship for you and the expectant mother. The only issues are that the getting-to-know-you part is fraught with worry. Will she really place? Is the baby okay? Is this really going to happen this time? As such, the worry can often make the potential adoptive family unwilling to put themselves on the line. Don’t be that family.
Putting yourself out there and getting to know here can only serve to benefit your relationship should she decide to place. And if she doesn’t? You will have learned something about yourselves, the process and the thoughts of one solitary potential birth mother in the process. Maybe you’ll learn something you shouldn’t do. Maybe you’ll learn that it wasn’t about you. Maybe you’ll learn that, in the end, you’re benefiting your child by trying the hardest you can to respect his/her original family even before his/her birth.
I know it’s scary. But, in the end, it will serve you all well. Forming a relationship early can benefit you for years and years to come. Sure, there are some pitfalls but I’ll discuss those soon. Just do it!
