To find an adoption agency, I figured that the first step was to get out the yellow pages and look under “A.” How else would you adopt a baby? I had never heard of private adoptions or newborn foster care adoptions. The little I knew came from watching TV shows where birthfamilies always seemed to be popping up to reconnect with their long lost birth relatives who had been placed for adoption years ago. There were not that many places listed under “Adoption Agencies,” and I did not have a clue how to even get started.

Fortunately, a co-worker knew someone who had adopted through Catholic Social Services (CSS). My first logical question was, “Does it matter that I am not Catholic?” She assured me that her friend was not, either. So, that’s how I wound up calling CSS first. It turned out that CSS had a orientation program scheduled for the following week, so I did not have to wait long to learn about the adoption process.

As I sat in a large room with around 20 hopeful couples, my emotions were all over the map. I felt relieved that someone else knew my pain. I felt heartbroken that these other people were also suffering. And I felt competitive. (What if the roll comes to me last? Will I have to wait for 20 other couples to get a baby before I will?)

Before the program started, the leader distributed several handouts. I am a writer by trade and am definitely a “read the manual” kind of gal. I skimmed through everything they gave us, which was general information about the history of the adoption program. I stopped at a handout called “Positive Adoption Language.” I looked over this long list of “Instead of this…Say instead…” words and phrases, and I thought, “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” You mean I have to memorize all of these PC words and phrases so that I can adopt a baby? I did not understand why I needed to say “was adopted” versus “is adopted” or “made an adoption plan” versus “gave her baby up.” Wasn’t it all the same thing? Po-TAY-to Po-TAH-to

Now that I am an adoptive mother, I am the person who DISTRIBUTES this list to people. It DOES make a different. For example, my son WAS adopted into our family. His adoption was an action that happened, not a state of being. He is not “my adopted son.” He is my son. Period. And his birthmother did not “give him up” like he was some puppy she brought to the pound. She made a loving adoption plan to provide him with the life she wanted him to have – a life that she was not in a position to give him. The list included many different positive adoption phrases that we will discuss on this blog in the future. Positive adoption language is so important. Our words really do matter – they reflect what is in our hearts.

For example, my son, Nicholas, came home from kindergarten one day all upset because his best friend told him that I was not his “real mother.” My son was in turmoil over this. If I was not his “real mother,” then who was I? Was his “real mother” dead? He knows about his birthmother and her role in his life, but the term “real mother” did not factor into his understanding of his life. I assured him that I am his real mother, his father is his real father, he is our real son, and we are a real family.

Yes, our words do matter.

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