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Most home studies require you to provide character references, or letters of reference. We had to have six, from specific types of people:
- Immediate member of wife’s family
- Immediate member of husband’s family
- Relative from husband’s or wife’s extended family
- Friend of husband
- Friend of wife
- Neighbor or friend
Some social workers or agencies may ask for references from your pastor or someone who attends church with you. It’s possible that you might be asked to provide a reference from your manager or a co-worker, though, frankly, I’m not sure that that isn’t a conflict of interest.
The difficult part of this requirement for us was to choose people who:
- felt comfortable writing
- knew us well
- supported us adopting (as opposed to becoming biological parents)
- were supportive of adoption in general
We tossed around names. My grandparents and the parents of our flower girls were the easy ones to choose. Beyond that…
At the time, three sets of our closest friends were struggling with infertility issues. We didn’t feel that we could ask them for references, mostly because we thought it would be upsetting – they had to tell someone else why we would make good parents, but why was it that they couldn’t be parents, weren’t they good enough too?
In my family, some members had been telling me for years that I would change my mind about adoption. Although I know they supported us becoming a family, and had no problems with us adopting, I didn’t feel comfortable asking them for help. (Then there was the one who said, “Maybe you should foster first, so you get an idea of if you can love kids who aren’t your own.” Yikes!)
My husband’s family was so disjointed, it was hard to pick a family member. As my immediate family member, we chose my grandparents. We thought it would be good to note that they were on-board and would be involved in our child’s life. After much thought, we decided to ask my husband’s grandmother as well.
We ultimately found six people, or rather, six sets of people, to write the recommendations. They addressed them to us so we could include them in our packet. I highly recommend getting copies of these. They’re a real self-esteem builder, especially at a time when you’re not sure what’s going on. You also want to know what they say, just in case they don’t write something you’d approve of or doesn’t showcase your best traits. For example, “I think Joe would be a great dad because he’d teach a child how to curse in 5 different languages, and it’s important to be multilingual.” or “Although it will be hard for Ramona to curtail her social life, I’m sure she’ll just love being a stay at home mom.”
You need to give people guidance, because most have never written a letter of recommendation outside of a job setting. You’re asking them to tell a stranger why you would be good parents. That’s not an easy letter to write, because who really thinks about putting the intangible into words?
Ask them to include:
- how long they’ve known you, and how they know you
- how they know about your adoption plans, what you’ve shared with them
- why they feel you should be entrusted with the responsibility of a child (or, why they feel you don’t, but you’re supposed to ask people who want you to be parents)
- what they feel are some of your best traits, especially as they pertain to parenting
Remember to give them a deadline. Our home study had be expedited because one of my friends – known for her procrastination – was very, very late in turning in her recommendation. It’s a long story, but I highly recommend choosing individuals who are punctual.
