From How to Prepare for a Home Study:

3. Research options for disciplining children.

During our home study, our social worker spent a lot of time talking with us about parenting issues. One of the most difficult to discuss was how we planned to discipline our child. Most of my friends had not given this topic much thought during their pregnancies or in the early weeks of parenting their infants, and yet we were being asked about this before we even knew in what year our baby was coming.

I knew that spanking was “bad” and that time outs were “good,” but that is pretty much it. I figured that I would explore the options when my child was old enough to need to be disciplined. Also, MY child was not going to need much discipline because MY child was not going to do X, Y, and Z. Oh, how I laugh at my naiveté now!

When this question came up, I said that I would use time outs. The social worker asked specifics, and I had no idea what to say. I had never raised a child, so I did not know the specifics of where to make a child sit or how long to make him sit there. I also liked the creative or “let the punishment fit the crime” kind of discipline.

I knew an adoptive father whose child had been repeatedly beaten by his birthparents. The father knew that spanking was out of the question, so he came up with creative ideas. For example, if his 10-year-old son really crossed a line, then he had to wear a suit to school the next day. In the child’s mind, this punishment was significantly worse than a beating, so the punishment curbed the behavior.

For those of you who are going into the adoption process with little knowledge of discipline options, here are some good discipline philosophies from which to choose:

Time Outs

Time outs are generally for young children. A child gets a “time out” immediately after a negative behavior, such as hitting another child or sassing his mother. The rule of thumb is that a child stays in “time out” for one minute per year of life. So, a three-year-old child would spend 3 minutes in “time out.”

Young children can be placed in their cribs for time out. Some parents worry that putting a child in a crib for a time out might affect his sleep by bringing negative experiences to the crib. My son was able to tell the difference, and he was always a good sleeper even though he had time outs to his crib. Older children can be sent to their rooms, seated in a chair, or told to face a wall.

1-2-3 Magic

One of my favorite discipline methods can be found in the book 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan. This method works effectively for children ages 2 and up. (My son is six, and it is still working. I am not sure when they age out of this.)

The basic principle is simple: When the child does a negative behavior, you say, “That’s one.” The second time, you say, “That’s two.” The third time, you say, “That’s three,” and then impose a consequence.

The parent is very matter-of-fact, so the child gets no “reward” for emotionally upsetting the parent. When you get to “3,” you can put the child in time out, remove a privilege, or impose another consequence that works for your child.

Parenting with Love and Logic

Another good method of disciplining is in the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay. This method uses natural consequences, wherever possible and safe, to teach a child to make better choices. The second half of the book provides consequences for a variety of disciplinary issues. The methods in this book are generally for older children (ages 6 and up), although the general principles and some of the specific examples work for younger children as well.

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• Discipline