In my last post, When Should Extended Family Be Told About Adoption?, I talked about delaying telling family members about a pending adoption when you fear that they will not be supportive. I did this with my grandparents because I was determined to adopt and did not want to have to listen to them try to talk me out of it. The upside is that you shorten the amount of time you have to listen to their complaints. The downside is that you lose the opportunity to get their "buy in" and support of the adoption. That discussion leads to the next logistical question of how much say extended family should have in which child you adopt.

Let's say you really want to adopt a child of a different race or ethnicity but you have extended family members who are biased against that race or ethnicity. To what extent should you consider their opinions? On the one hand, you have every right to adopt any type of child you wish. On the other hand, these people are going to be your child's extended family. How will you deal with your child being rejected by biased family members?

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You also have to ask yourself what measures you are willing to take if your family does not embrace your child. You are responsible for protecting your child. If your family is harmful to your child, you will need to make difficult decisions about how to put your child's needs first, which could ultimately include limiting contact with your extended family. Are you willing to take that stand?

There is no right or wrong answer about how much involvement your extended family should have in your choice of which child to adopt. You need to feel comfortable with whatever decisions you make. If you make decisions that your extended family will not like, you will need to be prepared to deal with the fallout.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt