I’ve seen many adoptive parents and birth parents initially balk at the idea of open adoption. Most of it is due to the general unknowns that accompany what many still refer to as a “new” movement. The unknown can be scary and without agencies offering any or enough support in the post-placement years, many families are left to fend for themselves.
Those who are just beginning to research adoption and make choices about which options are best for them often have this question to ask:
How open does open adoption have to be?
Well-intentioned individuals often reply with answers like, “As open or closed as you want it to be!” They want to quell the fears of those who are trying to figure out what they really want and, in the end, this answer does more harm than good. Here’s why.
With so many different “definitions” of open adoption running amok, potential adoptive parents and expectant parents considering relinquishment are often on completely different pages as to what is “allowed” and what they want. Especially if they are not encouraged to hash this topic out before making an official match, the differing idea of openness can actually create an inability to communicate in general, thus resulting in a closed adoption.
The general definitions of openness should be understood as such:
1. A fully open adoption is the on-going, one-on-one contact between families including, but not limited to, visits, letters, phone conversations and other forms of contact. Identifying information between parties is shared including, but not limited to, last names, email addresses, physical addresses and phone numbers. While it is possible to have a fully open adoption without visits due to things like distance, it is the norm for a fully open adoption to involve visits of some variety.
2. A semi-open adoption is the on-going contact between families using the means of email, letters and pictures. While some families may choose to send email and letters directly, some may choose not to share identifying information and use the agency or a letter box as a means of exchanging letters and pictures. Semi-open adoptions do not involve visits.
3. Closed adoptions involve no on-going contact between families. Expectant parents may or may not choose the family for their child but no identifying information is exchanged between parties. Some birth parents may refuse to sign waivers for contact upon a child’s legal age request as well.
There’s a lot of wiggle room between the different types, obviously, which is why it is so important for you as a hopeful adoptive parent to broach the subject early on in your decision process.
First, you need to discuss with your partner what you feel comfortable with regarding this kind of on-going contact. You need to do legitimate research, read well-researched books, seek out those who are living the life (including adult adoptees) and find your comfort level together. You need to take into account your past history as well. What’s that mean? If one or both of you are adoptees from the closed era, you may have preconceived notions as to what is and is not acceptable with regard to birth parent contact. While someone can try to counsel you as to the great benefits of open adoption, if you aren’t feeling it, it would be unethical for you to match with an expectant parent who wants a fully open adoption.
Which, of course, brings us to the next point: discuss, early on in a match process, your ideas of what openness can and should entail. If you are not looking for visits, you need to let an expectant parent considering placement that is the case. If you are looking for visits, you need to let them know just the same. The discussion needs to happen pretty early on in the process as it is easy for a relationship to form despite having different ideas as to what should happen post-placement. Once that attachment is formed, it is hard to walk away even if you know it is not the right thing for either party.
In the end, the advice so often given is right: it can be as open or as closed as you want it to be! The point left out of that well-intended advice is this: it can be as open or as closed as you and the birth parents have discussed and deemed in the best interest of the child. That adds some extra steps to the process and complicates the black and white of the issue a bit. But as long as you continue to reevaluate your feelings on the matter and communicate in an open and honest fashion, finding an expectant family with the same ideas you have concerning openness is not an impossibility.
An open adoption leaves the ties to family. From my experience, this leave the child with confusion and some issues for the family that is rarely discussed. It makes the child more like a step child than your child. It also gives way to divided loyalty. Rarely is a child put up for adoption from a “healthy” family. There reasons the bio family is not parenting. Unfortunately, with that divided loyality, the child will still look up to and follow after their bio family. I don’t believe many benefit from an open adoption.
Sue; There is no confusion with my daughter. You’re very off base. My daughter has no divided loyalty. Her mother makes all of her decisions. And you might want to talk to adult adoptees who say that they have benefited. It sounds like you need to do a little research before advising people about such things.
Furthermore, your judgmental, out of place assumption that children are rarely placed from “healthy families” is offensive, nasty and hopefully is not being shown to any children that you are parenting. What a horrible thing to impart to a child.
Hello, Sue. There is so much to respond to in your comment.
1. “An open adoption leaves the ties to family”
That’s exactly WHY we chose it! Our children are loved by ALL the adults in their lives. They have access to medical history, and will continue to do so as their birthparents enter their 40s, 50s, 60s, when genetic tendencies often to show up. Our children have dynamic (not static) relationships with the people who affect every cell in their bodies, as well as their psyches. Not a bad thing at all.
2. “Confusion/step child/divided loyalties.”
We have not seen this. Is there are place where you have written more about your experience? In my view, a child’s loyalties will be divided only if you put space between you and the birthparents, i.e if you create an “us vs them” scenario.
3. “Rarely is a child put up for adoption from a “healthy” family.”
Not sure what you mean by “healthy.” Our children’s birthparents are healthy mentally, physically, emotionally. You are generalizing based on what evidence?
4. “with that divided loyality, the child will still look up to and follow after their bio family.”
That has not happened in our case. Our children are very clear on who their parents are. There is not a parenting vacuum here.
And do you think a child in a closed adoption never thinks about her bio family? Perhaps a phantom birthparent holds more allure than an actual, known birthparent.
At the same time, my daughter gets something out of spending time with her birthparents. I do not see that as a subtraction from me, but rather an addition for her.
5. “I don’t believe many benefit from an open adoption.”
You should read my blog, because everyone involved in our situation has benefited, especially our children, and there are many others like us. Nice to meet you. Please revise your assumptions about us.
WOW Sue… do you even have adopted children – if so are your adoptions open? Have you done any research at all?
I am EXTREMELY offended as a mother to three children all with VERY open adoptions.
It seems to me like you are speaking from a very unhealthy place yourself.
There are great benfefits that come with open adoption. I hope you will reconsider your opinion – especially if you have children through adoption!
I realize that there are challenges in every situation – open adoption is definately not the easiest of paths – but I truly believe it is what is best for my chidren.
I would hope you would understand that when you honor the birth parents in language and in action, you honor your children. Just as in the same way when you dishonor the birth family it leaves your children with the feeling they are less than -Every emotion you display about the birth family your child will interpret as how you feel about them.
The birth family deserves your highest esteem, even if for no other reason than your child is forever connected to them – whether you choose to acknowledge that or not.