Coley wrote a great post for the Crisis Pregnancy blog called How to know when Adoptive Parents may not be Ethical. In a nutshell, to be an ethical hopeful adoptive parent, read over her list and do not do the things she mentions.

Do Not Pressure or “Crowd” a Placing Mother

When a woman is pregnant and gives birth, it is the most natural thing in the world to feel bonded with her baby. Even if her life circumstances are not ideal for raising a child, she is very likely to feel emotional about placing her baby into the arms of another woman. She needs the time and space to make sure that placing her baby into an adoptive home is really the best decision for her circumstances.

To be an ethical hopeful adoptive parent, follow these guidelines:

• Do not say things to the placing mother like, “We are so attached to the baby,” or “Our hearts will break if you choose to parent.”


• Respect the placing mother’s boundaries and privacy.


• Do not make demands like insisting that you see the baby at the hospital.


• Do not be overly pushy, including pressuring a placing mother to sign the relinquishment papers at a particular time or place.

Do Not Try to “Bribe” the Placing Mother

Follow your state’s laws regarding payments to placing mothers. This is for both your and the placing mother’s protection. If you provide money toward medical care or living expenses, do it through the adoption agency or facilitator. Do not pay money directly to the placing mother.

Do not buy the placing mother expensive gifts or an excessive number of gifts. No amount of money can possibly replace losing a child. One considerate token gift, such as a nice photo album or picture, is enough. For a good list of gift ideas, see Coley’s post Gifts for Birthmoms in the Open Adoption blog.

Obey the Law

Do not try to encourage the placing mother to violate the law, such as by doing the following things:

• Requesting that the birthfather not be told about the adoption


• Fast-tracking the placement by not following through with legal requirements

Also, be sure that you complete a home study.

Be Respectful

Be honest with the placing mother. Do not just tell her what you think she wants to hear. Do not promise her openness in an adoption if you have no intention of following through with it. Treat the placing mother, the placing father, and their families in a respectful manner at all times. Remember that their feelings matter, too. Do not just focus on the baby.

Related Link:

How can Adoptive Parents Achieve Ethical Adoptions?