From Newborn Adoption: The First Week:

9. Write letters to the placing mother.

If you are in an open or semi-open adoption, the agency or facilitator might ask you to write a letter to the placing mother during the period in which she may still legally choose to parent the baby. Talk about pressure! I was not quite sure what to say, and I sure did not want to say the wrong thing.

Here are some tips for writing that first letter:

Step into the Placing Mother’s Shoes

Before you put your pen to paper, spend a few minutes thinking about what the placing mother might be feeling. She has placed her baby into a “stranger’s” home, and she has to find a way to trust that she has made the best decision for her baby. Once her parental rights terminate, she loses all “power,” so she is likely worrying about whether you will follow through with your promises about openness. In addition, her body is recovering from the physical ordeal of giving birth, and her emotions are likely to be all over the map.

Once you have a picture of her in your mind, write the letter. Write to a woman who is in deep pain, and tell her things that can be a healing balm to her soul. Address her by name to make the letter personal. Above all, be honest. Do not just tell her what you think she wants to hear: Write from the heart.

Emotionally Connect through your Letter

Don’t just tell the placing mother the facts, like that the baby is eating every 3 hours. Tell her the things that you would want to know about the baby – that he looks so peaceful when he sleeps and that he looks adorable in his new Elmo outfit. For more tips on connecting emotionally, read my Adoptive Parent Profile Series.

Remember that the placing mother is probably the only other person on earth (other than your spouse) who cares about the little things to the degree that you do. When you hear that a friend’s baby took his first step, a typical person’s reaction is to say, “That’s great” and move on. However, when your child takes that first step, you could not be prouder if the child had just won a gold medal at the Olympics. The placing mother’s reaction to these milestones will likely be much more like yours.

Of course, the baby will not reach many milestones during the first week of life, but there will still be stories to tell. For example, my son managed to pee across the room three times during one diaper change on his first night with me. That is the kind of story that a placing mother might find amusing: It is an anecdote that helps her to feel like she is a part of the family.

Pictures

Be sure to include several pictures with the letter. Do not give the placing mother a bunch of blurry pictures taken from 10 feet away: Give her copies of your favorites. A picture is worth a thousand words, so let the pictures speak for you. Show the placing mother that the baby really is okay.

Be sure to write something of value on the back of each picture. For example, if you send a picture of the baby sleeping in a bassinet, tell her some interesting tidbits, such as –

7/3/07 – Ryan is sleeping in the same bassinet that I slept in when I was a baby. Don’t you just love his little puppy pajamas? I think he looks really good in blue.

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Tone

Keep the tone friendly. The way you write communicates a feeling. Think about the difference between reading my blog versus reading a medical journal – big difference!

Write a Few Pages

Don’t just throw down a few sentences on a piece of paper and call that a letter. Put some time into your letter. Spending some time writing the placing mother a letter communicates that she matters to you: She is not just an afterthought. This message will be reassuring to her as she grieves the loss of her baby.

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