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I don’t understand infertility. I mean, I understand it from a medical perspective, I just don’t understand why some people will go to extreme measures to have a biological child. In general, I don’t write about this topic, because I’m sure to come off as insensitive. And I probably am. I’ve never wanted a biological child. The idea of being pregnant fills me with dread. I can understand grief, frustration, and helplessness about being infertile. I can understand trying to conceive within certain parameters, or within a certain timeframe. When I say extreme measures I’m talking about couples like this one in the UK who endured 25 years of “living hell” to have biological children.
The new father actually stated that the process was “like a living hell for both of us.” They spent over $200,000 (US).
The adoption process in the UK is different than that in the US, and adoptions can take considerably longer. However, in 25 years, you’d think the couple would have been able to adopt at least one child. I’ve also never heard of an adoption going into 6 figures in cost.
I think that in extreme cases like this, it’s the obsession with having a biological child that I don’t understand. Also, as the mother of an adopted child, such an obsession offends me. To me, it seems that such people perceive adopted children as less than biological children, so much so that they’re willing to go to incredible lengths for that genetic connection.
In this particular case, however, the parents used donor eggs and sperm, so, even more than the desire for biological children, it seems that this woman simply had to experience pregnancy. At a certain point, isn’t being a mother more important than carrying a baby?
I will likely never write about infertility again, as I think it would be analogous to a man who’s never left Nebraska writing about the California coast. This article just got me thinking.
Robin C,
Your article is one I could have easily written ten years ago. I felt no sympathy for women who could not become pregnant. After all, there are so many children in the world who need parents. For me, it was a slippery slope. My husband and I wanted to become parents, and so we tried the old-fashioned way for two years. It was only after I went to the doctor for pain that I was diagnosed with Stage 4 endometriosis. We were told IVF was the only way I could become pregnant. Now, I was someone who thought IVF was the most selfish of procedures. But it was very important to my husband and his family that I try, at least once. My mother was also terminally ill, and it was important to her to be part of my pregnancy if possible. We tried one round, I became pregnant, and then miscarried. My mother has since passed away. We are now in the process of adopting, with no regrets. Bottom line: you never know what someone else’s family is going through. You might want to read this for some insight: http://phantomline.blogspot.com/2010/01/he-has-your-eyes.html
I am a mother of 4 children: 3 biological and the youngest one adopted. I can honestly tell you I would give my life for each and every one of them. WE completed our family thanks to our local CPS.
SEcretly when we started the classes through CPS, I had a desire to have a single child, boy, under the age of 2, no medical issues, cute, oh and no sibling groups. (Was that an Evil list? YES!) Not more than 2 weeks into the program, after seeing all the abuse that goes on with these children in the USA, I had been humbled. I had changed. I was not the same selfish 30 something woman that went in. I cryed out to GOD and asked him to give me ANY child, even one that would have lifetime medical needs. My only request was that he or she be younger than 3 since our youngest biological child was 3YRS OLD at that time. The WHOLE PROCESS FROM SIGNING UP WITH CPS TO GETTING THE CHILD WAS 6 MONTHS!
We have been blessed by leaps and bounds, our children are all physically and spiritually beautiful, healthy, bright and kind. And yes, they do look alike. How is that possible? GOD has a sense of humor, our three oldest all have big brown eyes like mine. My husband has tiny blue eyes. Yet our youngest one has BIG BLUE eyes. Simply charming little dude. WE didnt choose this little guy, GOD was saving him for us, he was only 1 yr old when we got him.
My prayer is that more children here in the USA get adopted. My little one was abandoned by his biological mother who was a stipper doing drugs. By the GRACE and MERCY of GOD he is perfect.
Hi, interested in your blog. have 3 biological children of our own. What inspired you to adopt after having three biological children?
I have sympathy for those who cannot become pregnant. I can somewhat understand going through a year or two of fertility treatments, including perhaps a round or two of IVF. I do not understand spending decades and hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant.
@Robyn:
“I do not understand spending decades and hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant.”
I agree with this.
In all honesty, I can’t really speak about infertility. By all medical opinions I have received (and trust me, there have been plenty!), I’m not infertile. Two pregnancies: one live birth, one miscarriage.
However, as someone who has genetic concerns (CF) as does my husband (same thing), the options before me were as follows: chance it (hahaha–I mean, really?!), donor insem, IVF, or adoption. The only reason I even tried for a second pregnancy was due to financial concerns about funding a second adoption. Not to say I wasn’t thrilled to find out I was pregnant–I was thrilled beyond words. But after I miscarried, the knowledge of having to go with another round of even such limited medical intervention, I knew it’d either be two children, or another adoption.
To each her own, but I never really understood it either. But like you, I can’t really speak of infertility firsthand.
I have met people who have said that they could not love an adopted child. Frankly I applaud them for being smart enough to know that.
I agree with you, if the people dont think they will love an adopted child, they should not be getting one. But as a mother of 3 biological and one adopted, I can tell you I do love ALL of them the same. I believe it all depends on the individual.
I’m definitely in agreement here. If there’s any doubt, that’s a sure sign NOT to proceed. I love both my children equally and I can’t imagine it any other way. If I had any doubt about my ability to love an adopted child, I wouldn’t have gone forth with an adoption plan. Ever.