This was the scene last night:

"I hate you! You are an idiot! I just want to be alone! I want a new family!"

This, from my 4-year-old. Kind of interesting that Sharlene just wrote a post about this very thing from newly adopted or foster kids - our family is living proof that it can come from the mouth of a child who's been with his adoptive family for over 3 years.

Here's what preceded his outburst.

Big J and Little J were waiting for my husband to finish up some computer work so they could watch a Christmas special on TV. This has been a treat for them as of late, but unfortunately my husband was taking longer than he'd hoped with his work. Seeing an opportunity, I told the boys that they should put away their laundry while they waited. Big J got his laundry, carried it up to his bedroom, and put it away.

Little J screamed "No!"

"Oh well," I said, matter-of-factly. "I don't want all these clothes on my bed. I will have to give them to the thrift shop if you won't put them away."

"I'll put them away," he said.

"Put them on your bed and I'll come up and sort them for you when you're done," I said. This has been our routine for probably the last 6 months. He carries them upstairs and then I sort them and then he puts them in his drawers. It's a system that works very well, when it works.

I gave him his first handful of clothing and he took them up to his room. Unfortunately for him, Little J always has a lot of laundry because he a)wears layers and layers and b)is rather messy so he gets his clothes dirty often. He came back down and got more laundry, and for the third trip I had to remind him what he was doing but he didn't scream at me or say no or otherwise defy the request so that was fine.

But then I went up to his room. Instead of putting his neatly folded clothes on his bed where I could sort them for him, he'd thrown them all over his room. They were on the floor, in the corner, on his bureau, on his chair.

I was pretty annoyed, but since we're trying not to let him see us squirm I merely took a deep breath and said. "You were told to put them on your bed but you threw them around the room. Since you're taking up so much of my time, I'm going to take up yours. You may not watch the show with Daddy. You will help me with this and then you will go to bed."

That's what the "I hate yous!" and "I want a new family!" etc. etc. came into play.

After he'd stopped crying and screaming and gnashing his teeth I told him that I didn't want him to go to a new family. I wanted him in this family. We would miss him and be sad if he weren't with us.

"I will go to live with a new family!" he said. "I will live with my Russian family. They are better."

I took yet another deep breath (it's amazing how much deep breathing goes on in my household these days) and I said, "You can't go live with your Russian family. They couldn't take care of you. That's why you are living with us."

"Why couldn't they?"

"I don't know. But they weren't able to. They couldn't take care of any of your brothers or sisters, either. But we were able to care for you. We wanted to take care of you."

He thought for a minute, then said: "I want to be alone! I don't want anyone!"

At this point I was getting a little upset. My feelings were hurt, which I know is silly but sometimes I can't help it. So I said "Fine. Be alone," and I walked out into the hall and shut his door, leaving him in his room alone. Note: I said this in a calm voice, not sad or mean, but calm.

That was probably the wrong adoptive parenting thing to do...but in this case it was kind of a good thing, at least in the case of my son. I sat in the chair outside his door, trying to go to a happier place and listening to my kid reason it out.

I heard Little J cry a little bit (amazing how they cry for a much shorter time if they think no one is around to hear them...) and then I heard him say "I don't want to be alone. I like this family. I want this family." That was my cue to go back in the room. I scooped Little J up and put him in my lap and told him how much I loved him and I needed him in our family. I told him I would be sad if he ever left us...and he smiled. "Why are you smiling?" I asked.

"I am happy you would be sad."

"Why, honey?"

"Because it means you love me."