For the past several weeks I've slowly been reading A Love Like No Other: Stories by Adoptive Parents, edited by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe. Typically when I read I like to do so all in a hurry - I'm a fast reader and I enjoy it very much. But I've been busy and have only managed a section here, a section there with this book. I'm glad of it. The essays in this book deserve a slow and careful read. I've felt lucky to have been able to digest it a bit at a time.

Anyone who is thinking about adopting should read this book.

My favorite essays in this book were the ones that dealt with the more complicated aspects of adoption. It's one of the things I enjoy about reading the blogs on adoptionblogs.com every day - the people who write these stories (here and in the book) acknowledge that life, parenting, adopting, being adopted, the way people in the world treat adoption are complex matters. Nothing is easy. Adoption isn't easy.

"Living With A Very Open Adoption," by Dan Savage, is about Dan and his partner's adopted son's birthmother and how her choices and their utter lack of control over what she does have impacted their family. Their son's birthmother, Melissa, lives on the streets. Her life is unpredictable. Drugs and violence are involved. She comes in and out of their lives. They have no way to reach her if they need to, although she can reach them, which they are thankful for most times. Here's what Dan says about why they chose open adoption:

Ask a couple hoping to adopt what they most want in the world and they'll tell you there's only one thing they want: a baby, a healthy baby. But many couples want something more. They want their child's biological parents to disappear. They want their child's biological mother and father to be forever absent so there will never be any question about who their child's "real" parents are. The biological parents showing up on their doorstep, lawyers in tow, demanding their kid back, is a collective nightmare of all adoptive parents, endlessly discussed in adoption chat rooms and during adoption seminars.

But we didn't want Melissa to disappear. All adopted kids eventually want to know why they were adopted, and sooner or later they start asking questions. "Why didn't my biological parents keep me?" "Didn't they love me?" "Why did they throw me away?" When kids who were adopted by closed adoptions start asking those questions, there's not a lot the parents can say. Fact is, they don't know the answers. We would.

Oh, but here's the rub. Dan and his partner do know more about their son's birthmother than people involved in closed adoptions, but Melissa does not provide the answers their son might look for in the future. She comes and goes, her motives mysterious. She may or may not be around when Dan's son starts asking questions.

In the essay Dan says not to have your reluctant spouse read his essay if trying to convince him or her to go through with an open arrangement. I can see why - but at the same time I think it's important to educate yourself about what can happen. He doesn't portray their experience as a nightmare - but it's certainly not the ideal. But what is the ideal? No birthparent involvement? Super open adoption with a stable, well-adjusted birthmom who knows her place and is happy with birthday and Christmas pictures? Dan doesn't say (although I don't think that he'd pick either of those two possibilities, even knowing what he knows now).

More complexities coming up in part 2.