Of all adoptions, my personal opinion is that Kinship Adoption is one of the hardest ones to find a balance of parenting your child.

As an article at the Child Welfare League states:

"Kinship adoptive families are different from non-related adoptive families because different familial relationships exist that is different from a non-related adoptive family. These different familial relationships need to be addressed and validated in order to have a healthy self-sufficient kinship adoptive family."

How do you, say, as a grandparent, strike a balance of becoming the MOTHER or FATHER to your grandchild?

Or, say, my niece couldn't parent her child anymore...how do I become my Great Nephew's mother, and not his Great Aunt?

Especially when the birth parent is still in the picture, kinship adoption has many different, and delicate, balances.

First thing that comes to mind is why some families keep biological children in the family, and yet, some do not.

I have discussed this with several birth families...and what is funny is that in both cases (keeping the child in the family, or allowing TPR to occur and allowing the child to be adopted outside of the family), LOVE is the #1 reason for the decision.

How hard could that be? I've never been in that position, or known anyone in that position, so the differing scenarios can be mind boggling.

Some grandparents know they are not physically or mentally fit for having a young child and starting all over again, so they encourage their child to adopt their grandbaby to a waiting family who they KNOW can give them what they and their own child could not.

They love their grand children enough to know they need a "fresh start" at life.

On the other hand, some grandparents feel they have no choice, or that they wouldn't DARE lose their grandbaby, and let their lives be turned upside down, and become parents yet again, and successfully raise their grandchildren.

They love their grandchildren enough to try as hard as they can to keep them with their biological lines.

I have been told by some of the adoptees I've spoken to that initially, it was very hard to view their grandparents as their parents. The "grandparent spoiling" was now gone. Their birth mother, sometimes was, too.

Then, in other cases, the birth mother cooperated completely with the grandparents and never "lost" her role as birth mother...the children referred to the grandparents as grandparents and their mom as mom...with the exception that they lived in the grandparents home, and mom just visited.

Then, I have heard the HORRIFIC stories...the ones where the grandparents adopt the baby, and the birth parents are VERY resentful, and try to chastise them in the ways they're raising their child, and acting as if they could do better.

The balance comes from resigning the "roles" that were initially in place, and starting fresh. Teaching the boundaries and proper parental role modeling that needs to be in place is essential for a healthy kinship adoptive placement.

To learn more about kinship adoption, please check out:
New York Online Access to Health
Child Welfare League of America
Adoption.org
Kinship Adoption Program (in .pdf format)
Until Tonight,
Storm