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I adopted my son after struggling with primary infertility for several years. When we decided to adopt, we received lots of support for our decision. I know several adoptive families who adopted after primary infertility and then went on to conceive and give birth to a biological child. These families also received lots of support. However, I have talked to several couples who gave birth to one or more biological children and then were diagnosed with secondary infertility. Those people did not receive the same support when they decided to adopt.
One mother told me that she always dreamed of having three children. She gave birth to two daughters without any problems. Then, she was unable to conceive baby #3. When she announced her decision to adopt, she received lots of negative comments. She repeatedly heard that she should appreciate the children she already had. Her response was, “I DO appreciate them, which is WHY I want another child.”
I know another woman who always wanted two children. She was able to conceive her first child without any problems, but she could not conceive a second time. I invited her to join an infertility/waiting to adopt support group, but she declined, saying that she would feel uncomfortable because she already had a child. Meanwhile, I was already a mother of #1 through adoption and was in the process of waiting to adopt #2, and I was given lots of support. We were each a mother of one, her through birth and me through adoption, and yet were received very different levels of support. Why do you suppose this is?
I, personally, think this is a reflection of how many people in society continue to view children who join a family through adoption differently than children who join a family through birth. Since I could not grow my family in the “best” way, it was “acceptable” for me to go with the “second choice” route of adoption. However, for these women who already had children the “best” way, it was better for them to not add children to their family – children they longed for – unless they could do it in the “best” way again.
This whole line of “reasoning” makes no sense to me. My child is my child. Period. He is not a “second rate” kid – he has my entire heart. If there is an empty place at the table, then why does it matter how it is filled? How dare people in society try to shame women into not growing their families through adoption when they sincerely desire to parent another child!
Both of these families decided to adopt internationally, and their families are now complete. They love all of their children the same. They are only two of many families I know with both bio and adopted children in the home. Every family that I know with both bio and adopted children love the children the same. You cannot tell a difference in the way the children are treated or loved by their families. I long for the day that children can be seen for the precious people they are rather than being judged by the way they join a family.
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