As I mentioned in my last couple of posts, my grandparents were not supportive of our decision to adopt, but when they held my beautiful little baby in their arms for the first time, they embraced him as family. Unfortunately, not all families have this happy ending. See Hate is Not a Family Value for an adoptive mother's frustration with family members who refuse to be supportive of her daughter's adoption a year after it happened.

If you have family members or friends who are not being supportive while you are waiting to adopt, some of these people might never accept your adopted child as your child. What will you do if this happens?

I have heard some horror stories about adopted children being rejected or treated as substandard by extended family members. On the Adoptee blog, Abby shared one such story in her post Does Being Adopted Have An Impact On Your Life?:

Being accepted in my adoptive extended family is something that I still struggle with today as an adult. Being an adopted child to most of them meant my sister and I were less than a member of the family. When as a child you are not included in the holidays when the extended family exchanged gifts, reunions when everyone is taking pictures and you’re not being included, and just family gatherings when you are isolated from the other children.

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I became so angry when I read what Abby had written because it is so WRONG! The first time somebody treated my kid that way would be the LAST time that he had the opportunity to do it, and that person would be told this LOUDLY and in no uncertain terms. Our nuclear family is a package deal. If you reject one of us, then you lose all. We, as adoptive parents, must stand up for our children and DEMAND that they be embraced as family. Otherwise, the extended family loses us, too. The alternative is to sacrifice the child for the sake of family “peace” and have a child grow up with the same struggles that Abby describes in her post.

I know how hard it can be to stand up to family members, but sometimes you have to do it. I can think of no better time than when someone is hurting your child. It is NOT okay to treat an adopted child like a second class family member. Dr. Phil says that you teach people how to treat you. I believe there is a lot of truth to this. I have never encountered ANYONE treating my son as anything other than my child, not even the grandparents who were unsupportive of the adoption. There might be people in my life who have opinions about our adoption that I would not want to hear, but if there are, they keep their opinions to themselves. I have taught the people in my life that Nicholas is my kid and is to be treated as such. I believe this is the duty of all adoptive parents.

Related Links:

• Choosing to adopt- when family disapproves



• Unsolicited Comments About Your Family Planning


• Does your family accept your decision to adopt?


• Top Ten Ways to Deal with Meddlers